DATENMÜLL

Mir fehlt(e bisher) ein Stichwort bei dem man mal so richtig ohne nachzudenken seinen Mist loswerden kann.
Daher nun also „Datenmüll“.

Dabei muss gesagt werden, dass es schwer ist Datenmüll zu definieren. Denn sobald jemand Stift, Papier oder Tastatur zur Hand nimmt und einen Text schreibt, muss man ihm/ihr zumindest das Recht einräumen, den Text nicht zu verabscheuen solange man ihn nicht gelesen hat.
Dennoch hier nun also die Kategorie Datenmüll!
!“§$%&()=?`*’_:; Dazu erzähle ich euch nun, dass ich bereits so ( ) kurz davor stand diese Kategorie einzuführen, als mir mein „ich verachte dich, ich hasse dich abgrundtief, bist du eigentlich total beknackt, eines Tages werde ich dich mit einer Axt...“-Computer - korrigiere PC - einen Strich durch die Rechnung machte und mich aus dem Netscape-Navigator warf. Warum auch immer.;.jczj f
Und auf grund von bis zur selbstzerstörung gehendem kampfes gegen alles was tasten hat eckigist undwo pc draufsteht fange ichgv nun an dich wie #-..-.#_Ä&/%mit datenmüll zu ärgern erg.#_ich weiß das ist dir egal, aber solange ich meine vernünftigen daten die auf dir sind wenigstens einigermaßen behalten will , was mich vor der axt zurückschrecken lässt, müllei hc dich hin und wieder mit dastenmüll zu auch wenns dir ega l ist egal um dich dann doch wieder ach arghhtrhjdgflkjdhgfklöngblbäöpoujkljüpoöjklcbföjkgflxd warum sapiorusekrlöjdnm,gf.warumwarumwarumwarum

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Johann Wolfgang von Goethe



Der Tragödie erster Teil



Studierzimmer

Faust. Mephistopheles.

FAUST:
Es klopft? Herein!
Wer will mich wieder plagen?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Ich bin's.

FAUST:
Herein!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Du mußt es dreimal sagen.

FAUST:
Herein denn!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
So gefällst du mir.
Wir werden, hoff ich, uns vertragen;
Denn dir die Grillen zu verjagen,
Bin ich als edler Junker hier,
In rotem, goldverbrämtem Kleide,
Das Mäntelchen von starrer Seide,
Die Hahnenfeder auf dem Hut,
Mit einem langen, spitzen Degen,
Und rate nun dir, kurz und gut,
Dergleichen gleichfalls anzulegen;
Damit du, losgebunden, frei,
Erfahrest, was das Leben sei.

FAUST:
In jedem Kleide werd ich wohl die Pein
Des engen Erdelebens fühlen.
Ich bin zu alt, um nur zu spielen,
Zu jung, um ohne Wunsch zu sein.
Was kann die Welt mir wohl gewähren?
Entbehren sollst du! sollst entbehren!
Das ist der ewige Gesang,
Der jedem an die Ohren klingt,
Den, unser ganzes Leben lang,
Uns heiser jede Stunde singt.
Nur mit Entsetzen wach ich morgens auf,
Ich möchte bittre Tränen weinen,
Den Tag zu sehn, der mir in seinem Lauf
Nicht einen Wunsch erfüllen wird, nicht einen,
Der selbst die Ahnung jeder Lust
Mit eigensinnigem Krittel mindert,
Die Schöpfung meiner regen Brust
Mit tausend Lebensfratzen hindert.
Auch muß ich, wenn die Nacht sich niedersenkt,
Mich ängstlich auf das Lager strecken;
Auch da wird keine Rast geschenkt,
Mich werden wilde Träume schrecken.
Der Gott, der mir im Busen wohnt,
Kann tief mein Innerstes erregen;
Der über allen meinen Kräften thront,
Er kann nach außen nichts bewegen;
Und so ist mir das Dasein eine Last,
Der Tod erwünscht, das Leben mir verhaßt.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Und doch ist nie der Tod ein ganz willkommner Gast.

FAUST:
O selig der, dem er im Siegesglanze
Die blut'gen Lorbeern um die Schläfe windet,
Den er, nach rasch durchrastem Tanze,
In eines Mädchens Armen findet!
O wär ich vor des hohen Geistes Kraft
Entzückt, entseelt dahin gesunken!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Und doch hat jemand einen braunen Saft,
In jener Nacht, nicht ausgetrunken.

FAUST:
Das Spionieren, scheint's, ist deine Lust.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Allwissend bin ich nicht; doch viel ist mir bewußt.

FAUST:
Wenn aus dem schrecklichen Gewühle
Ein süß bekannter Ton mich zog,
Den Rest von kindlichem Gefühle
Mit Anklang froher Zeit betrog,
So fluch ich allem, was die Seele
Mit Lock- und Gaukelwerk umspannt,
Und sie in diese Trauerhöhle
Mit Blend- und Schmeichelkräften bannt!
Verflucht voraus die hohe Meinung
Womit der Geist sich selbst umfängt!
Verflucht das Blenden der Erscheinung,
Die sich an unsre Sinne drängt!
Verflucht, was uns in Träumen heuchelt
Des Ruhms, der Namensdauer Trug!
Verflucht, was als Besitz uns schmeichelt,
Als Weib und Kind, als Knecht und Pflug!
Verflucht sei Mammon, wenn mit Schätzen
Er uns zu kühnen Taten regt,
Wenn er zu müßigem Ergetzen
Die Polster uns zurechte legt!
Fluch sei dem Balsamsaft der Trauben!
Fluch jener höchsten Liebeshuld!
Fluch sei der Hoffnung! Fluch dem Glauben,
Und Fluch vor allen der Geduld!

GEISTERCHOR (unsichtbar):
Weh! weh!
Du hast sie zerstört
Die schöne Welt,
Mit mächtiger Faust;
Sie stürzt, sie zerfällt!
Ein Halbgott hat sie zerschlagen!
Wir tragen
Die Trümmern ins Nichts hinüber,
Und klagen
Über die verlorne Schöne.
Mächtiger
Der Erdensöhne,
Prächtiger
Baue sie wieder,
In deinem Busen baue sie auf!
Neuen Lebenslauf
Beginne,
Mit hellem Sinne,
Und neue Lieder
Tönen darauf!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Dies sind die Kleinen
Von den Meinen.
Höre, wie zu Lust und Taten
Altklug sie raten!
In die Welt weit,
Aus der Einsamkeit
Wo Sinnen und Säfte stocken,
Wollen sie dich locken.
Hör auf, mit deinem Gram zu spielen,
Der, wie ein Geier, dir am Leben frißt;
Die schlechteste Gesellschaft läßt dich fühlen,
Daß du ein Mensch mit Menschen bist.
Doch so ist's nicht gemeint
Dich unter das Pack zu stoßen.
Ich bin keiner von den Großen;
Doch willst du, mit mir vereint,
Deine Schritte durchs Leben nehmen,
So will ich mich gern bequemen,
Dein zu sein, auf der Stelle.
Ich bin dein Geselle,
Und mach ich dir's recht,
Bin ich dein Diener, bin dein Knecht!

FAUST:
Und was soll ich dagegen dir erfüllen?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Dazu hast du noch eine lange Frist.

FAUST:
Nein, nein! der Teufel ist ein Egoist
Und tut nicht leicht um Gottes willen,
Was einem andern nützlich ist.
Sprich die Bedingung deutlich aus;
Ein solcher Diener bringt Gefahr ins Haus.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Ich will mich hier zu deinem Dienst verbinden,
Auf deinen Wink nicht rasten und nicht ruhn;
Wenn wir uns drüben wiederfinden,
So sollst du mir das gleiche tun.

FAUST:
Das Drüben kann mich wenig kümmern;
Schlägst du erst diese Welt zu Trümmern,
Die andre mag darnach entstehn.
Aus dieser Erde quillen meine Freuden,
Und diese Sonne scheinet meinen Leiden;
Kann ich mich erst von ihnen scheiden,
Dann mag, was will und kann, geschehn.
Davon will ich nichts weiter hören,
Ob man auch künftig haßt und liebt,
Und ob es auch in jenen Sphären
Ein Oben oder Unten gibt.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
In diesem Sinne kannst du's wagen.
Verbinde dich; du sollst, in diesen Tagen,
Mit Freuden meine Künste sehn,
Ich gebe dir, was noch kein Mensch gesehn.

FAUST:
Was willst du armer Teufel geben?
Ward eines Menschen Geist, in seinem hohen Streben,
Von deinesgleichen je gefaßt?
Doch hast du Speise, die nicht sättigt, hast
Du rotes Gold, das ohne Rast,
Quecksilber gleich, dir in der Hand zerrinnt,
Ein Spiel, bei dem man nie gewinnt,
Ein Mädchen, das an meiner Brust
Mit Äugeln schon dem Nachbar sich verbindet,
Der Ehre schöne Götterlust,
Die, wie ein Meteor, verschwindet?
Zeig mir die Frucht, die fault, eh man sie bricht,
Und Bäume, die sich täglich neu begrünen!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Ein solcher Auftrag schreckt mich nicht,
Mit solchen Schätzen kann ich dienen.
Doch, guter Freund, die Zeit kommt auch heran,
Wo wir was Guts in Ruhe schmausen mögen.

FAUST:
Werd ich beruhigt je mich auf ein Faulbett legen,
So sei es gleich um mich getan!
Kannst du mich schmeichelnd je belügen,
Daß ich mir selbst gefallen mag,
Kannst du mich mit Genuß betrügen-
Das sei für mich der letzte Tag!
Die Wette biet ich!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Topp!

FAUST:
Und Schlag auf Schlag! Werd ich zum Augenblicke sagen:
Verweile doch! du bist so schön!
Dann magst du mich in Fesseln schlagen,
Dann will ich gern zugrunde gehn!
Dann mag die Totenglocke schallen,
Dann bist du deines Dienstes frei,
Die Uhr mag stehn, der Zeiger fallen,
Es sei die Zeit für mich vorbei!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Bedenk es wohl, wir werden's nicht vergessen.

FAUST:
Dazu hast du ein volles Recht;
Ich habe mich nicht freventlich vermessen.
Wie ich beharre, bin ich Knecht,
Ob dein, was frag ich, oder wessen.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Ich werde heute gleich, beim Doktorschmaus,
Als Diener meine Pflicht erfüllen.
Nur eins!- Um Lebens oder Sterbens willen
Bitt ich mir ein paar Zeilen aus.

FAUST:
Auch was Geschriebnes forderst du Pedant?
Hast du noch keinen Mann, nicht Manneswort gekannt?
Ist's nicht genug, daß mein gesprochnes Wort
Auf ewig soll mit meinen Tagen schalten?
Rast nicht die Welt in allen Strömen fort,
Und mich soll ein Versprechen halten?
Doch dieser Wahn ist uns ins Herz gelegt,
Wer mag sich gern davon befreien?
Beglückt, wer Treue rein im Busen trägt,
Kein Opfer wird ihn je gereuen!
Allein ein Pergament, beschrieben und beprägt,
Ist ein Gespenst, vor dem sich alle scheuen.
Das Wort erstirbt schon in der Feder,
Die Herrschaft führen Wachs und Leder.
Was willst du böser Geist von mir?
Erz, Marmor, Pergament, Papier?
Soll ich mit Griffel, Meißel, Feder schreiben?
Ich gebe jede Wahl dir frei.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Wie magst du deine Rednerei
Nur gleich so hitzig übertreiben?
Ist doch ein jedes Blättchen gut.
Du unterzeichnest dich mit einem Tröpfchen Blut.

FAUST:
Wenn dies dir völlig Gnüge tut,
So mag es bei der Fratze bleiben.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Blut ist ein ganz besondrer Saft.

FAUST:
Nur keine Furcht, daß ich dies Bündnis breche!
Das Streben meiner ganzen Kraft
Ist grade das, was ich verspreche.
Ich habe mich zu hoch gebläht,
In deinen Rang gehör ich nur.
Der große Geist hat mich verschmäht,
Vor mir verschließt sich die Natur
Des Denkens Faden ist zerrissen
Mir ekelt lange vor allem Wissen.
Laß in den Tiefen der Sinnlichkeit
Uns glühende Leidenschaften stillen!
In undurchdrungnen Zauberhüllen
Sei jedes Wunder gleich bereit!
Stürzen wir uns in das Rauschen der Zeit,
Ins Rollen der Begebenheit!
Da mag denn Schmerz und Genuß,
Gelingen und Verdruß
Miteinander wechseln, wie es kann;
Nur rastlos betätigt sich der Mann.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Euch ist kein Maß und Ziel gesetzt.
Beliebt's Euch, überall zu naschen,
Im Fliehen etwas zu erhaschen,
Bekomm Euch wohl, was Euch ergetzt.
Nur greift mir zu und seid nicht blöde!

FAUST:
Du hörest ja, von Freud' ist nicht die Rede.
Dem Taumel weih ich mich, dem schmerzlichsten Genuß,
Verliebtem Haß, erquickendem Verdruß.
Mein Busen, der vom Wissensdrang geheilt ist,
Soll keinen Schmerzen künftig sich verschließen,
Und was der ganzen Menschheit zugeteilt ist,
Will ich in meinem innern Selbst genießen,
Mit meinem Geist das Höchst' und Tiefste greifen,
Ihr Wohl und Weh auf meinen Busen häufen,
Und so mein eigen Selbst zu ihrem Selbst erweitern,
Und, wie sie selbst, am End auch ich zerscheitern.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
O glaube mir, der manche tausend Jahre
An dieser harten Speise kaut
Daß von der Wiege bis zur Bahre
Kein Mensch den alten Sauerteig verdaut!
Glaub unsereinem, dieses Ganze
Ist nur für einen Gott gemacht!
Er findet sich in einem ew'gen Glanze
Uns hat er in die Finsternis gebracht,
Und euch taugt einzig Tag und Nacht.

FAUST:
Allein ich will!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Das läßt sich hören!
Doch nur vor einem ist mir bang:
Die Zeit ist kurz, die Kunst ist lang.
Ich dächt, ihr ließet Euch belehren.
Assoziiert Euch mit einem Poeten,
Laßt den Herrn in Gedanken schweifen,
Und alle edlen Qualitäten
Auf Euren Ehrenscheitel häufen,
Des Löwen Mut,
Des Hirsches Schnelligkeit,
Des Italieners feurig Blut,
Des Nordens Dau'rbarkeit.
Laßt ihn Euch das Geheimnis finden,
Großmut und Arglist zu verbinden,
Und Euch, mit warmen Jugendtrieben,
Nach einem Plane zu verlieben.
Möchte selbst solch einen Herren kennen,
Würd ihn Herrn Mikrokosmus nennen.

FAUST:
Was bin ich denn, wenn es nicht möglich ist,
Der Menschheit Krone zu erringen,
Nach der sich alle Sinne dringen?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Du bist am Ende- was du bist.
Setz dir Perücken auf von Millionen Locken,
Setz deinen Fuß auf ellenhohe Socken,
Du bleibst doch immer, was du bist.

FAUST:
Ich fühl's, vergebens hab ich alle Schätze
Des Menschengeists auf mich herbeigerafft,
Und wenn ich mich am Ende niedersetze,
Quillt innerlich doch keine neue Kraft;
Ich bin nicht um ein Haar breit höher,
Bin dem Unendlichen nicht näher.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Mein guter Herr, Ihr seht die Sachen,
Wie man die Sachen eben sieht;
Wir müssen das gescheiter machen,
Eh uns des Lebens Freude flieht.
Was Henker! freilich Händ und Füße
Und Kopf und H[intern], die sind dein;
Doch alles, was ich frisch genieße,
Ist das drum weniger mein?
Wenn ich sechs Hengste zahlen kann,
Sind ihre Kräfte nicht die meine?
Ich renne zu und bin ein rechter Mann,
Als hätt ich vierundzwanzig Beine.
Drum frisch! Laß alles Sinnen sein,
Und grad mit in die Welt hinein!
Ich sag es dir: ein Kerl, der spekuliert,
Ist wie ein Tier, auf dürrer Heide
Von einem bösen Geist im Kreis herum geführt,
Und rings umher liegt schöne grüne Weide.

FAUST:
Wie fangen wir das an?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Wir gehen eben fort. Was ist das für ein Marterort?
Was heißt das für ein Leben führen,
Sich und die Jungens ennuyieren?
Laß du das dem Herrn Nachbar Wanst!
Was willst du dich das Stroh zu dreschen plagen?
Das Beste, was du wissen kannst,
Darfst du den Buben doch nicht sagen.
Gleich hör ich einen auf dem Gange!

FAUST:
Mir ist's nicht möglich, ihn zu sehn.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Der arme Knabe wartet lange,
Der darf nicht ungetröstet gehn.
Komm, gib mir deinen Rock und Mütze;
Die Maske muß mir köstlich stehn.
(Er kleidet sich um.)
Nun überlaß es meinem Witze!
Ich brauche nur ein Viertelstündchen Zeit;
Indessen mache dich zur schönen Fahrt bereit!
(Faust ab.)

MEPHISTOPHELES (in Fausts langem Kleide):
Verachte nur Vernunft und Wissenschaft,
Des Menschen allerhöchste Kraft,
Laß nur in Blend- und Zauberwerken
Dich von dem Lügengeist bestärken,
So hab ich dich schon unbedingt-
Ihm hat das Schicksal einen Geist gegeben,
Der ungebändigt immer vorwärts dringt,
Und dessen übereiltes Streben
Der Erde Freuden überspringt.
Den schlepp ich durch das wilde Leben,
Durch flache Unbedeutenheit,
Er soll mir zappeln, starren, kleben,
Und seiner Unersättlichkeit
Soll Speis und Trank vor gier'gen Lippen schweben;
Er wird Erquickung sich umsonst erflehn,
Und hätt er sich auch nicht dem Teufel übergeben,
Er müßte doch zugrunde gehn!

Ein Schüler tritt auf.

SCHÜLER:
Ich bin allhier erst kurze Zeit,
Und komme voll Ergebenheit,
Einen Mann zu sprechen und zu kennen,
Den alle mir mit Ehrfucht nennen.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Eure Höflichkeit erfreut mich sehr!
Ihr seht einen Mann wie andre mehr.
Habt Ihr Euch sonst schon umgetan?

SCHÜLER:
Ich bitt Euch, nehmt Euch meiner an!
Ich komme mit allem guten Mut,
Leidlichem Geld und frischem Blut;
Meine Mutter wollte mich kaum entfernen;
Möchte gern was Rechts hieraußen lernen.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Da seid Ihr eben recht am Ort.

SCHÜLER:
Aufrichtig, möchte schon wieder fort:
In diesen Mauern, diesen Hallen
Will es mir keineswegs gefallen.
Es ist ein gar beschränkter Raum,
Man sieht nichts Grünes, keinen Baum,
Und in den Sälen, auf den Bänken,
Vergeht mir Hören, Sehn und Denken.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Das kommt nur auf Gewohnheit an.
So nimmt ein Kind der Mutter Brust
Nicht gleich im Anfang willig an,
Doch bald ernährt es sich mit Lust.
So wird's Euch an der Weisheit Brüsten
Mit jedem Tage mehr gelüsten.

SCHÜLER:
An ihrem Hals will ich mit Freuden hangen;
Doch sagt mir nur, wie kann ich hingelangen?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Erklärt Euch, eh Ihr weiter geht,
Was wählt Ihr für eine Fakultät?

SCHÜLER:
Ich wünschte recht gelehrt zu werden,
Und möchte gern, was auf der Erden
Und in dem Himmel ist, erfassen,
Die Wissenschaft und die Natur.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Da seid Ihr auf der rechten Spur;
Doch müßt Ihr Euch nicht zerstreuen lassen.

SCHÜLER:
Ich bin dabei mit Seel und Leib;
Doch freilich würde mir behagen
Ein wenig Freiheit und Zeitvertreib
An schönen Sommerfeiertagen.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Gebraucht der Zeit, sie geht so schnell von hinnen,
Doch Ordnung lehrt Euch Zeit gewinnen.
Mein teurer Freund, ich rat Euch drum
Zuerst Collegium Logicum.
Da wird der Geist Euch wohl dressiert,
In spanische Stiefeln eingeschnürt,
Daß er bedächtiger so fortan
Hinschleiche die Gedankenbahn,
Und nicht etwa, die Kreuz und Quer,
Irrlichteliere hin und her.
Dann lehret man Euch manchen Tag,
Daß, was Ihr sonst auf einen Schlag
Getrieben, wie Essen und Trinken frei,
Eins! Zwei! Drei! dazu nötig sei.
Zwar ist's mit der Gedankenfabrik
Wie mit einem Weber-Meisterstück,
Wo ein Tritt tausend Fäden regt,
Die Schifflein herüber hinüber schießen,
Die Fäden ungesehen fließen,
Ein Schlag tausend Verbindungen schlägt.
Der Philosoph, der tritt herein
Und beweist Euch, es müßt so sein:
Das Erst wär so, das Zweite so,
Und drum das Dritt und Vierte so;
Und wenn das Erst und Zweit nicht wär,
Das Dritt und Viert wär nimmermehr.
Das preisen die Schüler allerorten,
Sind aber keine Weber geworden.
Wer will was Lebendigs erkennen und beschreiben,
Sucht erst den Geist heraus zu treiben,
Dann hat er die Teile in seiner Hand,
Fehlt, leider! nur das geistige Band.
Encheiresin naturae nennt's die Chemie,
Spottet ihrer selbst und weiß nicht wie.

SCHÜLER:
Kann Euch nicht eben ganz verstehen.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Das wird nächstens schon besser gehen,
Wenn Ihr lernt alles reduzieren
Und gehörig klassifizieren.

SCHÜLER:
Mir wird von alledem so dumm,
Als ging, mir ein Mühlrad im Kopf herum.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Nachher, vor allen andern Sachen,
Müßt Ihr Euch an die Metaphysik machen!
Da seht, daß Ihr tiefsinnig faßt,
Was in des Menschen Hirn nicht paßt;
Für was drein geht und nicht drein geht,
Ein prächtig Wort zu Diensten steht.
Doch vorerst dieses halbe Jahr
Nehmt ja der besten Ordnung wahr.
Fünf Stunden habt Ihr jeden Tag;
Seid drinnen mit dem Glockenschlag!
Habt Euch vorher wohl präpariert,
Paragraphos wohl einstudiert,
Damit Ihr nachher besser seht,
Daß er nichts sagt, als was im Buche steht;
Doch Euch des Schreibens ja befleißt,
Als diktiert, Euch der Heilig Geist!

SCHÜLER:
Das sollt Ihr mir nicht zweimal sagen!
Ich denke mir, wie viel es nützt
Denn, was man schwarz auf weiß besitzt,
Kann man getrost nach Hause tragen.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Doch wählt mir eine Fakultät!

SCHÜLER:
Zur Rechtsgelehrsamkeit kann ich mich nicht bequemen.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Ich kann es Euch so sehr nicht übel nehmen,
Ich weiß, wie es um diese Lehre steht.
Es erben sich Gesetz' und Rechte
Wie eine ew'ge Krankheit fort;
Sie schleppen von Geschlecht sich zum Geschlechte,
Und rücken sacht von Ort zu Ort.
Vernunft wird Unsinn, Wohltat Plage;
Weh dir, daß du ein Enkel bist!
Vom Rechte, das mit uns geboren ist,
Von dem ist, leider! nie die Frage.

SCHÜLER:
Mein Abscheu wird durch Euch vermehrt.
O glücklich der, den Ihr belehrt!
Fast möcht ich nun Theologie studieren.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Ich wünschte nicht, Euch irre zu führen.
Was diese Wissenschaft betrifft,
Es ist so schwer, den falschen Weg zu meiden,
Es liegt in ihr so viel verborgnes Gift,
Und von der Arzenei ist's kaum zu unterscheiden.
Am besten ist's auch hier, wenn Ihr nur einen hört,
Und auf des Meisters Worte schwört.
Im ganzen- haltet Euch an Worte!
Dann geht Ihr durch die sichre Pforte
Zum Tempel der Gewißheit ein.

SCHÜLER:
Doch ein Begriff muß bei dem Worte sein.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Schon gut! Nur muß man sich nicht allzu ängstlich quälen
Denn eben wo Begriffe fehlen,
Da stellt ein Wort zur rechten Zeit sich ein.
Mit Worten läßt sich trefflich streiten,
Mit Worten ein System bereiten,
An Worte läßt sich trefflich glauben,
Von einem Wort läßt sich kein Jota rauben.

SCHÜLER:
Verzeiht, ich halt Euch auf mit vielen Fragen,
Allem ich muß Euch noch bemühn.
Wollt Ihr mir von der Medizin
Nicht auch ein kräftig Wörtchen sagen?
Drei Jahr ist eine kurze Zeit,
Und, Gott! das Feld ist gar zu weit.
Wenn man einen Fingerzeig nur hat,
Läßt sich's schon eher weiter fühlen.

MEPHISTOPHELES (für sich):
Ich bin des trocknen Tons nun satt,
Muß wieder recht den Teufel spielen.
(Laut.) Der Geist der Medizin ist leicht zu fassen;
Ihr durchstudiert die groß, und kleine Welt,
Um es am Ende gehn zu lassen,
Wie's Gott gefällt.
Vergebens, daß Ihr ringsum wissenschaftlich schweift,
Ein jeder lernt nur, was er lernen kann;
Doch der den Augenblick ergreift,
Das ist der rechte Mann.
Ihr seid noch ziemlich wohl gebaut,
An Kühnheit wird's Euch auch nicht fehlen,
Und wenn Ihr Euch nur selbst vertraut,
Vertrauen Euch die andern Seelen.
Besonders lernt die Weiber führen;
Es ist ihr ewig Weh und Ach
So tausendfach
Aus einem Punkte zu kurieren,
Und wenn Ihr halbweg ehrbar tut,
Dann habt Ihr sie all unterm Hut.
Ein Titel muß sie erst vertraulich machen,
Daß Eure Kunst viel Künste übersteigt;
Zum Willkomm tappt Ihr dann nach allen Siebensachen,
Um die ein andrer viele Jahre streicht,
Versteht das Pülslein wohl zu drücken,
Und fasset sie, mit feurig schlauen Blicken,
Wohl um die schlanke Hüfte frei,
Zu sehn, wie fest geschnürt sie sei.

SCHÜLER:
Das sieht schon besser aus! Man sieht doch, wo und wie.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Grau, teurer Freund, ist alle Theorie,
Und grün des Lebens goldner Baum.

SCHÜLER:
Ich schwör Euch zu, mir ist's als wie ein Traum.
Dürft ich Euch wohl ein andermal beschweren,
Von Eurer Weisheit auf den Grund zu hören?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Was ich vermag, soll gern geschehn.

SCHÜLER:
Ich kann unmöglich wieder gehn,
Ich muß Euch noch mein Stammbuch überreichen,
Gönn Eure Gunst mir dieses Zeichen!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Sehr wohl. (Er schreibt und gibt's.)

SCHÜLER (liest):
Eritis sicut Deus, scientes bonum et malum.
(Macht's ehrerbietig zu und empfiehlt sich.)

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Folg nur dem alten Spruch und meiner Muhme, der Schlange,
Dir wird gewiß einmal bei deiner Gottähnlichkeit bange!

Faust tritt auf.

FAUST:
Wohin soll es nun gehn?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Wohin es dir gefällt.
Wir sehn die kleine, dann die große Welt.
Mit welcher Freude, welchem Nutzen
Wirst du den Cursum durchschmarutzen!

FAUST:
Allein bei meinem langen Bart
Fehlt mir die leichte Lebensart.
Es wird mir der Versuch nicht glücken;
Ich wußte nie mich in die Welt zu schicken.
Vor andern fühl ich mich so klein;
Ich werde stets verlegen sein.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Mein guter Freund, das wird sich alles geben;
Sobald du dir vertraust, sobald weißt du zu leben.

FAUST:
Wie kommen wir denn aus dem Haus?
Wo hast du Pferde, Knecht und Wagen?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Wir breiten nur den Mantel aus,
Der soll uns durch die Lüfte tragen.
Du nimmst bei diesem kühnen Schritt
Nur keinen großen Bündel mit.
Ein bißchen Feuerluft, die ich bereiten werde,
Hebt uns behend von dieser Erde.
Und sind wir leicht, so geht es schnell hinauf;
Ich gratuliere dir zum neuen Lebenslauf!

Abscheuliche Vornamen



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Aalderk, Absolom, Achatius, Achilles, Adalbod, Adalfried,



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Balderich, Bernfried, Billibald, Blasius, Bonifaz, Bringfried, Boy



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Ebermund, Eginhard, Egilof, Egolf, Ehregott, Eitel, Eitelfritz, Erkenwald, Erlfried, Ermanerich, Eustachius, Ezechiel

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Napoleon

Ommo, Ortwin

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Ulfried

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Yorik






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INTRODUCTION

ACT I

Melee Island
Pirate Attack
Stop the Catapult
Getting A Crew

Lucre Island
Law Office
The Robbery
Duplicating the Scent
Catching Pegnose
Finding the Loot

ACT II

Melee Again
The Blue Painting

Jambalaya Island
Transmogrification Academy
Starbucaneer's
Stan's Time Shares
Silver Monkey Head
The Golden Man
The Bronze Hat

ACT III

Monkey Island
The Milk Bottle
The Accordion
Gubernatorial Symbol
Monkey Kombat
Giant Monkey Robot

ACT III+

Melee Island
Kicking Large Butt





INTRODUCTION

Revision 11/30/00- The sequence of events on Jambalaya Island were incorrect. You could not successfully complete the quest for the Golden Man because you first must obtain the Dunce Cap from the Pirate Transmogrificatiion Academy. The steps in Act II have been corrected.

Thanks to Jan Philipp Giel for bringing this to our attention.

A Word About Control - EMI has no in-game mouse control. Guybrush is controlled with the keyboard, a joystick, or a gamepad. If you choose to use the keyboard for control make sure you have the joystick/gamepad disabled. You can do this by pressing the F1 key during game play then choosing »O« to display the Options menu. If the joystick/gamepad is not disabled Guybrush can act strangely and be hard to control with the arrow keys. Our hero can exhibit such strange behavior like walking in circles or repeatedly entering and exiting buildings without any input from you. Finally, you may have to do as I did on my system, physically unplug the joystick/gamepad from the computer since disabling them from the options menu did not completely turn them off. Once the joystick/gamepad was physically disabled, control of Guybrush was normal and without incident.

Directions - In this walkthrough, North, South, East and West means the top, bottom, right and left edges of the screen.

Participating In Insult Sports - To win an insult contest you must give an insult that your opponent cannot answer correctly. Stump your opponent enough times and you win. Guybrush always gives the first insult. The opponent then responds with an answer. If the answer is correct, the opponent immediately flings an insult back to Guybrush who must answer correctly. If Guybrush answers correctly then the sequence starts over with Guybrush being able to offer another insult. However, each insult must be one not previously used by either contestant.

If one of the contestants gives a loser answer he loses the chance to offer a new insult. This is how you can tell you're winning. You can give another insult without having to answer one in return. Trip up your opponent enough times and Guybrush wins the contest.

Click here for a list of the insults and their proper answers:



ACT I
THINGS TO DO ON MELEE ISLAND WHEN YOU'RE DEAD

PIRATE ATTACK

1. Pirates attack Guybrush and Elaine as they return from their honeymoon. Guybrush finds himself lashed to the mainmast.

2. Turn Guybrush and use the »U« key to kick over the brazier of hot coals then »P« to pick one up. Kick the hot coal to the loaded cannon on the right side of the screen.

3. As Elaine leaves to go to the courthouse, she gives Guybrush instructions to stop the catapult and then get to her lawyers on Lucre Island.



MELEE ISLAND

STOP THE CATAPULT
1. Talk to the pirate operating the catapult. Notice that the funny-looking cactus to the right of the mansion resembles a slingshot without the sling.

2. Go South through the arch and walk to Melee Town.

3. Continue East to another screen and enter the SCUMM Bar.

4. Walk to the back of the bar. In the right rear corner is a drunk with a birthday balloon and a bowl of jerky pretzels on his table. Guybrush needs the pretzels but the drunk prevents him from taking them. Look at the balloon so you can mention it to the dart players later.

5. Go back to the front of the bar and talk to the dart players. Ask them about the holes in the wall around the dartboard so they will offer to show you their skill. Bet them that they can't hit the balloon. When they do, go to the drunk's table and pick up the bowl of jerky pretzels and put them in inventory. Be careful not to eat the pretzels instead of putting them away.

6. Leave the SCUMM bar, go east and Walk To Melee Island to bring up the map. Go SW to the Harbor. Talk to the Lady of Leisure, the Harbor Mistress, and discover you don't have authority to get a ship. Pick up the popped inner tube from the ground by the grog machine.

7. Go back to the Governor's Mansion and use the popped inner tube on the cactus that looks like a slingshot to really make it a slingshot.

8. Give the jerky pretzels to the pirate operating the catapult. When the pirate leaves to eat the pretzels, tinker with the catapult controls.

9. After the catapult is destroyed watch the cut scene with Elaine and Charles L. Charles, the candidate who will be running for governor against Elaine. Follow Elaine into the mansion.

GETTING A CREW
1. Go to the table by Elaine, pick up the government job contract form and give it to her. After she signs it talk to her and mention that Guybrush is having a little trouble getting a ship without authority to requisition one. She will give Guybrush the Gubernatorial Symbol.

2. Go to the east side of the room and get the government paper from the china cabinet. If you walk away from the cabinet and look at the contract before putting it in inventory, you'll discover it's a Melee Government Employment Contract - Cushy Edition. Give it to Elaine to have it signed.

3. Return to Melee Town and talk to the two familiar looking pirates near the bookstore again. After you get Guybrush to recognize them as Carla, the Swordmaster of Melee Island, and Otis, keep after them to join the crew. Offer them cushy government jobs and when Carla says they want contracts, give them the signed cushy government contract. They agree to join the crew.

4. Go to the SCUMM Bar and talk to the Crusty Sailor, Ignatius Cheese, at the table next to the drunk's. Ignatius is the owner of the SCUMM bar as well as the navigator Guybrush needs for his crew. Soak up all the local color you can stand then get him to join the crew by challenging and beating him at a game of insult arm wrestling. For a shortcut through the dialogue pick sentences 1,3,1,1,2,1,1. To win the arm wrestling, see the section titled »Participating in Insult Sports« at the beginning of the walkthrough.

5. After winning the insult arm wrestling, return to the Harbor and use the Gubernatorial Symbol on the Harbor Mistress. She gives you a ship, The Dainty Lady. The crew arrives and Guybrush is off to Lucre Island »in search of high adventure and a legally binding restraining order.«



LUCRE ISLAND

LAW OFFICE
1. Go NE and climb the stairs. If you try to enter the Bait Shoppe Guybrush suggests you go to the Law Office first. So, go west between the Town Square and the Hall of Justice, turn west again and you will be in front of the Law Office of W.T.D.

2. The lawyers give Guybrush a copy of Grandpa Marley's will. There is a safe deposit chest in the Lucre Bank that contains the deed to the Governor's Mansion and the »most terrifying secret of the Caribbean, the ultimate insult.« Talk to the lawyers again and they tell Guybrush to get the deed. If you go through all the dialogue you can hear some cute lawyer jokes.

THE ROBBERY AND DISCOVERING THE ROBBER'S IDENTITY
1. Leave the office and go next door to the bank. Before you go inside, notice the window on the top floor is open. Inside the bank you see Ozzie, the Bad Guy, having trouble cashing an Australian traveler's check. When he snaps his cane and leaves, talk to the Bank Teller, Brittany. Go through the dialogue and tell her you want to get the deposit chest.

2. While Guybrush is in the vault a masked man posing as Guybrush robs the bank. He comes into the vault, confronts Guybrush, and takes off the mask. Notice he has either a little or no nose. He then takes the chest and locks Guybrush in the vault.

3. Once Guybrush is alone in the vault:

Pick up the old sword and the medium sea sponge from the table.
Pick up the large sea sponge from the floor behind the table.
Look in the cubicle in the wall where the safe-deposit chest was stored. Take the music box and the bottle of fine grog.
Pick up the handkerchief from the floor in front of the door.
Pick up the small sea sponge that is under the handkerchief.

4. Now:

Use the old sword on the bottom hinge of the door.
Use the broken sword with the crack.
Use all three sea sponges on the crack.
Use the bottle of fine grog with the sponge-filled crack.

5. In the confusion that follows the opening of the vault door, Guybrush is arrested for the robbery and taken to jail. He now has the »Voodoo Anklet of Extreme Discomfort« on his ankle, so he can't leave Lucre Island, and must clear himself of the false charges.

6. Go to the Iron Maiden and pick up the tin of chicken grease. Talk to the pirate in the cell. It's Otis. He's been arrested for picking flowers somewhere.

7. Talk to Inspector Canard. Guybrush discovers that the real bandit is probably Pegnose Pete and to clear himself he must: catch the real perpetrator, recover the loot, and come up with evidence to back his story up.

8. Return to the bank. The manager is standing outside. Talk to him. Guybrush finds that the bank is closed because it's the scene of a crime and the manager won't allow anyone inside. Take the hint about the open window to heart. That will be the way in, but how?

9. Go to the side of the bank and look at the manhole. Use the broken sword on the manhole. Look at the manhole cover. Write down what is scratched inside: »Mindy loves Fred - Larry loves Mindy.« These names may be different for different games and you'll need to know them later.

10. Since the robber has no nose, perhaps he's gotten a false one from the Palace of Prostheses. Go west to the Palace of Prostheses and talk to the guy with two eyepatches. You find out he's named Deadeye Dave and has a keen sense of smell and can identify customers by their scent. Use the handkerchief the robber left in the vault on Deadeye and discover Deadeye's nose is stuffed up. The smell will have to be amplified somehow.

11. Now use the handkerchief with Guybrush and you discover:

It is monogrammed with the initials »PP«
It smells of hickory smoked fish
It smells of flowers growing in a cesspool
It smells of fish snot
It smells like a corpse floating in a bog
It smells like a lumberjack wiped his arm pits with it
It has the faintest wiff of something nice

These are the scents Guybrush must reproduce for Dave to identify the name Pegnose has been using at the shop.

12. Asking about the no-nose pirate draws a blank but you also discover that even if Dave had a name he couldn't get the records from the filing system because Pongo, the trained monkey that operates the filing system, has run off.

13. Tell Dave you're looking for some gifts - free ones. When Deadeye tells you the story use the names you found on the manhole cover as answers. Answer correctly and Deadeye will give you Prosthetic Skin.

14. Play the music box for Deadeye Dave. Before it stops playing go to the window and steal the wooden prosthetic hand from the first basket on the left. You must be quick. If the music stops before you get the hand, Deadeye will hear you and prevent you from stealing the hand.

15. Return to the manhole outside the bank. Use the Prosthetic Skin with the manhole then use the skin stretched over the manhole. Guybrush will bounce through the open window into the bank.

16. Go down the ladder and use the pull-chain. When the lights go on, face west and notice the strange nose-shaped shadow cast upon the wall at the end of the balcony.

17. Go to the desk in the lower left corner and pick up the ScupperWare.

18. Climb the ladder, walk around the balcony and look at the strange shadow. Guybrush finds a prosthetic nose. Inspector Canard arrives and takes the nose as evidence.

19. Exit through the window. Go east from the bank to the scene with the town square then east from there to the House of Sticks.

20. Ozzie enters the House of Sticks right after Guybrush and picks up a new stick to replace the one he broke in the bank. Pick up the wood shavings left behind from Ozzie's stick. Talk to Freddie and find out: Pegnose is the greatest pirate thief on Lucre Island, probably lives in the marsh, and is afraid of ducks. Supposedly a duck pecked his nose off.

DUPLICATING THE SCENT
1. Leave the House of Sticks and go west to the perfume stand. Pick up the cologne from the counter. Talk to the annoying perfume pusher, Hugo. You learn, among other things, that Hugo saw Pegnose run by heading towards the deepest forests of Lucre Island. Pick up an empty spritzer bottle from the pile near the edge of the building. Use the empty spritzer bottle with the wood shavings to make homemade perfume (Cedar Cologne).

2. Leave the perfume stand and go east to the Bait Shoppe. Pick up the duck that's walking around in front of the Bait Shoppe. Go inside and talk to the Salty Old Cur and hear his version of how Pegnose lost his nose (school of fish bit it off), and that Pegnose probably lives in the marsh and no one can navigate the marsh.

3. Go to the free bait cabinet and use the homemade perfume on the free bait. Pick up the free bait. Go into inventory and combine the free bait with the ScupperWare.

4. Use the wooden prosthetic hand with the termite circus that's to the right of the free bait cabinet.

5. Go west to the Law Office and leave town through the gateway under the arch that's between the Law Office and Lucre Bank.

6. Go north to the Mystes O' Tyme marsh. Notice the raft and the puddle. Use the homemade perfume with the puddle then leave the swamp.

7. Go west to the foreboding mansion, Ozzie's place. Pick the flower by the fountain and combine the flower with the homemade perfume.

8. Enter the creepy mansion and begin a conversation with Ozzie. End the conversation soon as you can and spray the stuffed platypus at Ozzie's feet with the cologne (not the homemade perfume). Ozzie gets angry - »You've befouled my platypus!« - breaks his cane and stomps off to order a new one.

9. Return to town to the House of Sticks and use the termite-infested prosthetic hand on Ozzie's new cane. It's in the rack to the right of the entrance. Ozzie then comes in, picks up his new cane and leaves, dribbling a trail of sawdust behind him. You'll need this trail later to follow Ozzie.

FINDING AND CATCHING PEGNOSE
1. Go back to Deadeye Dave in the Palace of Prostheses. Spray him with the homemade perfume. Make a note of the name he tells you. Ours was »Yahootie P. Everywhere.« Yours will probably be different. Guybrush must now operate the filing system and retrieve this card to get the directions through the marsh.

2. Twiddle with the file retrieval system controls and look at the three dials. Don't touch anything yet. Each dial has five faces with a picture on each face. Each face stands for a group of letters.

Face 1 (bunny) = A-D
Face 2 (palm tree) = E-H
Face 3 (pumpkin) = I-M
Face 4 (monkey) = N-S
Face 5 (bananas) = T-Z

3. You must spin the dials so the three faces on top show the letter groups in which the three initials of the name Guybrush was given are contained. Then you must press the red button right of the dials to retrieve the file.

4. In our case the initials are »YPE«. All dials start out with face 1 on top. The first dial is spun so face 5 (bananas) is on top. The second dial is spun to face 4 (monkey) and the third dial to face 2 (palm tree). The red button is pressed and Guybrush gets a document containing the directions to Pegnose Pete's house. Remember, the name you were given will probably be different, therefore you'll have to spin the dials based on the three initials of your name - not the initials used here as an example.

5. The directions written on the card will be two columns of numbers, one a time, the other a direction, in the form of »12:10 E« or »12:15 W«. There will be eight entries. Write the directions down. They are randomly generated each time the game is played. Yours will be different than mine. The directions will be needed to get through the marsh later. The file will be in Guybrush's inventory, of course, and can be looked at anytime, but they're easier to use written down since you won't be switching in and out of inventory each time a direction is needed.

6. Go to the center of town and talk to Brittany. She's standing in front of the fountain. There's no point in it but it's slightly funny. Leave Brittany and go East to the Bait Shoppe then South to the docks. Once on the docks go to the far west end and you'll find two pirates playing chess.

7. To get through the marsh Guybrush needs the timer the chess players are using. They won't let you take the clock so Guybrush must distract them both. Talk to the portly pirate chess player. Start the conversation with any sentence, then use number 5 then number 4. The number 4 sentence will always distract the pirate from the game. If he's distracted enough, the pirate will let go of his chess piece and his partner will force him to use it as a move. You may have to use sentence 4 to distract the pirate several times before he actually lets go of the piece.

8. Once the portly pirate has been distracted talk to his partner, the skinny pirate. Open the conversation with any sentence then distract him with sentence 4 (something about Brittany). Distract the skinny pirate until he drops his piece and the portly pirate forces him to use that as a move. Both pirates begin throwing chess pieces and calling each other names. When you get control of Guybrush, take the clock.

9. Go back through town and exit through the archway between the bank and the law office. Go to the marsh, use the raft, then use the clock. Now it can get confusing so you should probably save the game here.

10. The clock face appears on the lower right of your screen. Look at the time the clock face displays. Look at the directions you found on the file you got from Deadeye Dave. Find the time listed in the directions that corresponds to the time on the clock face and move the raft off the screen in the direction printed next to the time.

11. Each time you enter a new screen, check the time and move off screen in the direction corresponding to the new time. Continue in this way until you get to a gate where there's a Guybrush double, a future Guybrush.

12. Move to the gate and Guybrush will give you a key. Ask him who he is. Write down the answer he gives (different each time). He then gives you two items. These are also different each time. Note what they are so you can find them in inventory later.

13. Choose »Open gate« then talk to him. Write down the number he gives you then unlock the gate with the skeleton key that you should now have in inventory. Before you move through the gate Guybrush will give you a third item. The three items are usually the same; a rope, a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle, and a gun. However, the order in which they're given is different each time.

14. Go through the gate and continue following instructions until you come to the gate again. Give Guybrush the key, answer his question with the answer he gave you earlier (the question was »Who are you?«). Now give him the first two objects he gave you in the order they were given. You can find them in inventory already in the correct order. He then asks you for a number. Answer with the number he gave you earlier. If all is done correctly a little scene runs and you're left alone in the mist standing on the raft. Continue following the directions given by the clock until you get to the house of Pegnose.

15. Walk up the pier to the house and trigger the scene of Guybrush eavesdropping on a conversation between Pegnose and Ozzie.

16. Use the chicken grease on the doormat then use the duck on the window. Voila! Pegnose is captured.

FINDING THE LOOT FROM THE BANK
1. Meanwhile, back at the jail, Guybrush isn't entirely cleared even though he has captured Pegnose. It's off to confront Ozzie. Go west from the jail and exit town. Take the trail to Ozzie's mansion and go inside.

2. Accuse him of hiring Pegnose to frame Guybrush for the robbery. When Ozzie asks what Pegnose's Booty Showcase looks like say it has »Lots of booty.«

3. When Ozzie leaves follow him into the forest. You can keep up by following the sawdust trail the termites in his cane leave behind.

4. Go East then North around behind the little hill from which Ozzie came and climb down the hidden passage into the booty showroom.

5. Look around the showroom. Use the red button on the edge of the dining table to draw back the curtain from the unbreakable window. Behind the window are the bank booty and the Marley heirlooms.

6. Go back up the ladder and dive into the deep water north of the hill.

7. Get the ScupperWare ready and open it when the bioluminescent fish swim by. Once a fish is trapped inside the ScupperWare, Guybrush has a handy lantern.

8. Go west through the secret entrance and find the heirlooms and treasure on a little island. Pick up the heirlooms and treasure as well as the itty-bitty brass screw that falls from the chest.

9. Leave the cave and walk up the east side of the next screen to get to shore. Go around the hill to the West and return to Melee Town and the Hall of Justice.

10. Show the brass screw to Inspector Canard. Guybrush is cleared, he collects his crew and heads back to Melee Island.



ACT II
ENTER THE MANATEE

MELEE ISLAND AGAIN

THE BLUE PAINTING
1. Talk to Elaine after the animation runs. Elaine decides that she should take care of LeChuck, Guybrush should take care of Ozzie Mandrill and the Ultimate Insult. Guybrush should start by talking to the voodoo Lady.

2. Leave the mansion, go to Melee Town and into the International House of Mojo.

3. Go to the hand-shaped table and pull the finger next to the thumb (it's just identified as »finger« in the dialog). The mirror on the east side of the room will spin around and the Voodoo Lady will appear.

4. Ask the Voodoo Lady everything you can about the Ultimate Insult then about the Marley heirlooms. Lastly, ask what Guybrush is supposed to do with the wedding presents.

5. Go east through town and exit to Meelee Island. Notice the SCUMM Bar has been renamed the LUA Bar. Take the trail north to Meathook's House of Wax.

6. Disturb Meathook at is work then deny the rumors of Guybrush's death. Ask about the candles then exit the conversation. Take a paintbrush from the bucket Meathook showed you then leave.

7. Take the trail to the harbor. Check out the coin return slot of the grog machine. Take the quarter and use it in the machine. Now kick, punch, shake and yell at the machine. Take a can of grog from the pile that falls out.

8. Return to Melee Town and enter the LUA Bar. Go to the rear of the bar to where the little ships are floating in channels. Talk to the patron then return to the lower level and sit at an empty stool.

9. Talk to the waitress then order something to eat; something cooked. You'll get the flaming scuttlefish. Get the paintbrush out of inventory and get ready. When the flaming boat comes down the channel, jam the paintbrush in the sushi boat propulsion mechanism. You should time it so the flaming boat stops just under the picture on the wall after the boat has turned the corner and is on its way back to the kitchen. When the cook comes out to investigate, run into the kitchen and use the can of grog on the sushi boat steam generator. If you've stopped the boat in the correct position you'll see an animation and be presented with the ruined »blue picture«--a map of the tri-island area. If you were unsuccessful the cook catches you in the kitchen and throws you out. Try again. The cook leaves the paintbrush on the bar near the stool and you have enough grog for one more try. If you fail the second time, you'll have to return to the harbor for another can of grog.

10. Look at the picture in inventory by using the »L« key. On the back of the painting is a depiction of the the parts that make up the Ultimate Insult. It's made up of:

a silver monkey head
a bronze hat
a golden man

11. After you get the picture go back to the docks and walk to the Dainty Lady. Look at the figurehead. Pierced ears? Is that enough clue for you? Use the earrings, necklace, pen, and painting on the figurehead in that order.

12. After the animation involving the figurehead, Elaine comes and reclaims the Gubernatorial Symbol. The crew is now off to Jambalaya Island.



JAMBALAYA ISLAND

PIRATE TRANSMOGRIFICATION ACADEMY
1.Use the community rowboat and go east to Knuttin Atoll. End the conversation with Admiral Casaba quickly as you can and leave. Land at the pirate shantytown on the southern coast of the atoll.

2. Go north to the big blue and white Pirate Transmogrification Academy. Talk to the teacher and get Guybrush enrolled.

3. When the final exam arrives give the most piratey answers available to the three questions so Guybrush will fail the course.

4. Once back on the doorstep, and in possession of the dunce cap, use the fire alarm on the right side of the building. When Miss Rivers leaves, run inside and get the whistle from the toy chest before she returns. It may be difficult to get Guybrush to see the whistle. You may have to pick up a Pirate Trading Card first. I didn't, but you might. If you fail to find the card before Miss Rivers returns, you can always use the fire alarm again.

5. Go to the center of the atoll and visit the puppet theater. There you can talk to Hellbeard, the last pirate to be victim of the Ultimate Insult. Keep going through the dialog until you can talk to the little Guybrush puppet, then to the puppeteer.

6. End the conversation with the puppeteer (Hellbeard) and quickly use the blue painting on him before he ducks back down behind the curtain. After he runs away, pick up both the puppets.

7. Return to the rowboat and go back to Jambalaya Island.

STARBUCANEER'S
1. Walk left from the ship, go up the stairs and into town.

2. Go to Starbucaneer's. It's the big building in the bottom center. Go to the window and look at the empty groggoccino cup. Go inside, turn to Guybrush's left and get the empty cup from the plants in the planter.

3. Stand near the tourist lady in the center of the room and look into her bag. Take the StarBuccaneer's logo mug.

4. Visit the counter and use the empty groggoccino cup (from the window) on the clerk to get a free refill.

5. At the west end of the counter is a tray of mini-bagels with Schmear Whiz on them. Take one. They're free.

6. Eat the bagel (horrible!) and put the remains in inventory. Leave the shop.

STAN'S TIME SHARE
1. Head north for the stairs and leave town. Follow the trail SE to the Stan's Time Share.

2. Get a pamphlet from the stack of pamphlets on the desk.

3. Take the jar of glue from under the window that's left of the door to the house.

4. Stand in front of the desk and prepare to talk to Stan. Drink the cup of groggoccino then talk to Stan. Ask about real estate until you're offered the choices of »Gimme the pitch!« or »I'm not interested.« Choose the pitch. When it's done you get a Planet Threepwood coupon. Without the groggoccino, Guybrush falls asleep during the pitch and doesn't get the coupon.

SILVER MONKEY HEAD
1. Go back to town and run a few errands. Get the empty groggoccino cut refilled at Starbucaneers.

2. Go to the center of town to the statue of Tiny LaFeet. Compliment the tourist there on his ensemble then ask him what he's doing. Find out all you can about Tiny LaFeet. Notice the hat's been taken from the statue.

3. Go to the micro-groggery and talk to the bartender. Ask for a drink and he gives you a mug of Grog Jr.--just enough alcohol to »stun a skinny parrot.« You can also talk to Carla and ride the mechaical manatee, neither of which is required.

4. Go inside Planet Threepwood and read the specials from the board near the door. Enter the restaurant section, go to the rear and talk to the waitress. Order some food and when she asks how you'll pay, choose the Mega Monkey Meal Ticket.

5. While you're sitting with your free Monkey Mug, talk to the Jolly Pirate and get a free Pirate Caricature. Answer anything you like to the questions he asks Guybrush during the drawing. The object is only to get the caricature.

6. Combine the caricature with the glue then the glued caricature with the StarBuccaneer's Logo Mug to make a fake Monkey Mug. Use the fake Monkey Mug with the Monkey Mug and you have the Silver Monkey Head.

THE GOLDEN MAN
1. Leave town to the map of the island and go SW to the tall rock.

2. Talk to the diver, Marco DePollo, until you can ask about joining the competition then have Guybrush say he would like to dive against Marco. When Marco tells Guybrush to go to the judges and get certified end the conversation.

3. Face the table and use the juicy wad of chewed up bagel chunks and Schmear Whiz with the baby seal oil. Go north from Marco and turn west. Follow the boardwalk to the judges.

4. There are three judges: the hippie judge, the grouchy judge and the wise old judge. Have Guybrush tell them he wants to compete. He gets a physical and is certified.

5. When Guybrush is certified, send him back to tell Marco. Marco dives then you gain control of Guybrush at the end of the plank. Just run him off the end.

6. Guybrush gets low scores and Marco wins. Talk to the grouchy judge and ask him why he is giving you such low scores. After he says he's paid to make sure Marco wins, examine the pamphlet you got from Stan's timeshares. My, my! Use the pamphlet on the grouchy judge. Next time he'll judge more fairly.

7. Ask the hippie judge what was wrong with the last dive. He tells you there are four types of dives:

Keelhaul - done by pressing the up arrow key
Rum Barrel - done by pressing the down arrow key
Spinning Swordsman - done by pressing the right arrow key
Alpha Monkey - done by pressing the left arrow key

Guybrush must watch what Marco does and match his dive combination. Go back and tell Marco you want to compete again.

8. Watch what combination Marco does and match it. For instance if he does an Alpha Monkey, Spinning Swordsman, Alpha Monkey combination you must duplicate it. Have Guybrush put on the dunce cap you got from the academy to satisfy the middle judge. Move Guybrush along the plank until he starts moving by himself then quickly enter the arrow key combination that will duplicate Marco's combination. In our example here it would be: left arrow, right arrow, left arrow. If you use the arrow keys on the numeric pad, make sure numlock is off. If Guybrush is successful, he will tie Marco.

9. The tiebreaker dive is easy. Guybrush goes first and Marco has to match Guybrush's moves. Just make up a combination. Guybrush will win. After all, he did sabotage Marco's seal oil.

THE BRONZE HAT
1. Return to the dock and use the community rowboat and go east to Knuttin Atoll. Land at the pirate shantytown on the southern coast of the atoll.

2. Walk east along the beach. Talk to the pirate with two parrots. -Ask about the parrots and find out one always lies, one always tells the truth. -Tell him he's awfully large and ask if he's any relation to Tiny LaFeet.

Ask more about his father, especially about the »friendly« part.
Ask what happened to Tiny's statue.

3. Now Guybrush knows Tiny's hat was buried under a boulder on the beach, but under which one? Walk east into the boulder field.

4. Guybrush can use the parrots to help him. Use the whistle you got from the academy and the parrots come and land on the boulder in front of Guybrush. Use the groggoccino on one parrot and the wimpy grog on the other. Notice each parrot is now sort of dancing, one fast, one slow. This is how you will be able to tell them apart.

5 Ask each parrot the same question, what's two plus two? The one that answers correctly is the truth telling parrot. From now on only talk to the truthful parrot.

6. Ask him if he's sitting on the rock under which the hat is buried. If he says, »no«, then ask, »Which way should I go to find Tiny's hat?« Follow the directions to the next screen. Blow the whistle to call the birds then question the truthful bird again. Continue in this fashion until you've found the hat. Make sure you're always talking to the truthful parrot. They will switch positions to confuse you.

7. Well, here the game slows to an absolute crawl. It took seven tries to find the correct boulder. When the correct boulder is found, use the two puppets. Use any of the sentences available. The purpose is to get »three« pirates together so Admiral Casaba will shoot at them with his cannon thereby shattering the boulder enabling Guybrush to get the hat.

8. In the following animation, more of the plot is revealed and Guybrush is relieved of the pieces of the Ultimate Insult.



ACT III
ESCAPE FROM MONKEY ISLAND

MONKEY ISLAND

THE MILK BOTTLE
1. After the animation walk south along the beach to bring up the map of Monkey Island. Guybrush will be on the lower left portion of the map. He's kind of hard to see.

2. Go north on the map just a little ways and you'll find a lean-to and a pirate, Herman Toothrot.

3. Pick up the coconut by the lean-to then talk to Herman. Go through the dialog then throw the coconut at him. This restores part of his memory. Ask again what's the first thing he remembers. If you get a story about the amusement park and dormant volcano, you can end the conversation and go back the way you came.

4. Hike north and east to the canyon. You'll find a cactus on the right edge of the screen. Get the banana picker that's leaning against it. Ignore the mine entrance for now. Guybrush will go there towards the end of the game.

5. Return to the map and head NW to the lava fields. When you arrive you see the mischievous Timmy throw the milk bottle you're after out onto an island in the lava stream. Notice the castle above the lava flow.

6. Exit this screen back to the map. Just east of the lava field is a trail going up a ramp that leads to the castle. If you put Guybrush properly upon the path he'll climb and you'll get a screen showing the castle, called a cathedral on this screen.

7. Enter the cathedral. Turn around and face the door until you see »Look at shields.« Use the banana picker to get the two tiny shields that serve as eyes for the skull.

8. Go south over the bridge and talk to Father Allegro Rasputin. Go through the dialog and keep asking about the lava until you can ask to try the lava plunge. Permission will be refused at first, but keep after it and Guybrush will succeed.

9. Soon as you can, get the banana picker out of inventory and steer the boat with the arrow keys. Your goal is to go past the island near the top of the screen and snag the milk bottle with the picker as you go by. You navigate the channels and knock the logs against each other until you can enter the channel that goes past the island with the milk bottle. When you do it correctly you'll get a close-up view that allows you to use the banana picker easily.

10. Exit the lava puzzle by going under the bridge at the left side of the screen. Go back to Herman and hit him with the milk bottle and ask him what's the earliest thing he remembers now. It turns out to be an accordion.

THE ACCORDION
1. Go to Vista Point. It's the hill on the west side of the island. On the top you get a view that looks sort of looks like one of those ant farms in a glass case. There are three canals. Go to the pile of rocks and pick one up. Throw the rock at the canal on the right side of the cliff and watch what it happens. Notice that somewhere along its path it passes a root that wiggles. After what seems like a long time with nothing happening, you see the boulder shoot out of a hole and land near the mine. Drop rocks down the other two channels to see what happens.

2. OK, here's the drill: -Throw a rock down the right-hand channel, when it reaches the root -Throw a rock down the middle channel, when it reaches the root -Throw a rock down the left channel, when it reaches a root -Throw another rock down the left channel.

3. At the bottom of the screen are three exits for the rocks. By using the passage of the rocks past the roots, you can gauge when to throw the succeeding rocks. The rolling of the rocks must be timed so that two of them collide at the intersection of the three exits. Two rocks must go down the center exit and one rock each down the left and right exits. If done correctly you see a scene of a rock landing in the lava field. Don't give up, it's tedious work but it can be done.

4. Go back to the cathedral and ask to do the lava ride again. This time steer the boat into the little lava pool by the bridge and get out.

5. Climb up to the left and use the palm tree. Guybrush will kick it over and make a bridge across the lava flow. Go back to the lava pool then go east over the bridge.

6. Head east then north to Monkey Town. A monkey guards the intersection leading to the town. You must wait until he's out of the way, heading east, then run through the intersection and up the path toward town. If the monkey catches you, you get stuck in a clearing with only one way to go, back to the island map. Then you'll have to try again.

7. Once in the village talk to JoJo Jr., the monkey sitting on the barrel. Go through the entire dialog tree and learn about the Hat of Honor and Monkey Kombat. Don't challenge the talking monkey to combat yet. That will be done later.

8. Go a little west to the hut. The monkey sitting in the doorway on the middle level has the accordion. Get the shields from inventory and pick »use shields.« The monkey will come down and exchange the accordion for the shields (cymbals).

SECOND GUBERNATORIAL SYMBOL
1. Return to Herman by going over the bridge at the lava pit then over the palm tree. Hit him with the accordion. You hear the story of how Ozzie found the Caribbean and discover that Herman is actually Grandpa Marley.

2. Keep talking to Grandpa Marley until he gives Guybrush the second Gubernatorial Symbol.

MONKEY KOMBAT
1. Now we're ready for Monkey Kombat. This part of the game can be very frustrating and at first look seems almost impossible. However, stay with it and you will persevere. Monkey Kombat includes the following basics:

The Five Stances:

Anxious Ape (AA)
Bobbing Baboon (BB)
Charging Chimp (CC)
Drunken Monkey (DM)
Gimpy Gibbon (GG)

Each stance will defeat two other stances. F'rinstance, AA may defeat DM and GG. I say may, because what beats what is determined each time a game is started from scratch. The rules do NOT change between individual combats.

2. The Four Monkey Insults:

Ack (A)
Eek (E)
Oop (O)
Chee (C)

3. To change your present stance, or move from one pose to another, to attain a stance superior to the opponent's, and thereby win, you utter three insults. Choosing Ack, Eek, Oop might change your stance from Drunken Monkey to Charging Chimp. However, it's a little more complicated than that.

4. What combination of insults produces what stance is also randomly generated at the start of the game. Plus, you have to take into account what stance you are moving from. If you are presently in the Drunken Monkey stance and you want to change to Anxious Ape, you might use ACE. However, if you're in the Gimpy Gibbon stance and use ACE, you might change to the Bobbing Baboon stance. The insult combinations also work in reverse. If ACE changes you from Drunken Monkey to Anxious Ape, it will also change you from Anxious Ape to Drunken Monkey.

How Combat Works
1. Each opponent has a health bar made up of banana symbols. Lower your opponent's health to zero and you win. The present stance is also listed near each opponent.

2. In the lower right hand corner of the screen, under Guybrush, is a compass-like symbol representing the arrow keys on the keyboard. The four directions are labeled Ack, Oop, Eek, Chee, the four monkey insults. An insult is said by pressing the arrow key corresponding to the insult. For example, pressing the up arrow will force Guybrush to say, »Ack.« Press the left arrow key and he will say, »Chee.« Pressing three keys in succession will string together three insults and Guybrush will change his stance to match the insult string. You will then see the results of the stance change, win or loose.

3. Turns are alternating, usually with the monkey going first. During the monkey's turn the insult compass will be turned off. It will be on when it's Guybrush's turn. So, a match may go like this: The stance the monkey is using is listed above his head. He says three insults which change his stance to counter that of Guybrush. The monkey's stance changes and you see what stance he changed to plus whether or not it defeats Guybrush's stance. The insult compass is activated for Guybrush's turn. Notice the stances of the opponents. If the monkey is assuming the Drunken Monkey stance and Guybrush is holding the Gimpy Gibbon stance, you must utter the three curses that moves Guybrush from the Gimpy Gibbon stance to one that will defeat the Drunken Monkey stance. Tap out the three insults with the arrow keys and you will see the results.

4. Once in awhile a foul will be declared. Other than being for an invalid combination of curses, I've never been able to figure out the exact reasons. A few times I've used curses that worked previously only to have them declared foul. It's not game stopping, but it does sometimes tip the balance to your opponent. You'll just have to work through it.

Practice Combat
1. Before you're ready to challenge JoJo for his hat, you should practice with other monkeys. You can find these monkeys on the map of Monkey Island near the intersection of the east-west trail with the trail that leads to Monkey Town. Walk up to the monkeys on the map and the scene will change to a clearing. Talk to the monkey and Kombat is automatically started.

2. You should make two charts. The first should show what other two stances a single stance beats, like DM defeats AA and GG, CC beats BB and DM. Do this for all five stances and you'll have a listing of what each stance will beat.

3. The second chart should be of the insults and what stance they change to and from. For instance you might list: CC to DM = AOC, which means that to move from the Charging Chimp stance to the Drunken Monkey stance, use the insults Ack, Oop, Chee. So, if during Kombat Guybrush is in the Charging Chimp stance and his opponent is in the Drunken Monkey stance, you would look in the first chart to find out what stances defeat Drunken Monkey. Then you would look in the chart of curses to see what curses are used to move from the Charging Chimp stance to whatever stance defeats the Drunken Monkey.

4. That's really it. Challenge the monkeys and write down the results of various moves. It's a good idea to enable the option that displays text as well as voice. Some of the monkey sounds are difficult to understand. As things progress fairly rapidly, liberal use of the space bar (pause key) can be helpful. When you think you have enough moves mapped to defeat JoJo go challenge him.

5. To get back to JoJo you must avoid the monkeys at the intersection. If they come near Guybrush the game will want to do Monkey Kombat instead of allowing passage into Monkey Town.

GIANT MONKEY ROBOT
1. After you defeat JoJo and get the hat, leave Monkey Town. Return to the map then go all the way back to the beach. Use the banana picker on the bananas until there are no more, about three times. Give one to Timmy so he will follow you.

2. Hike to the canyon and enter the mine. Make sure Timmy goes into the mine with Guybrush. You might have to bribe him with another banana. Go all the way to the end of the tracks to the big metal door.

3. Use the vent to open it. Use a banana with the vent. Guybrush throws a banana in the vent and Timmy goes after it. Close the vent then use a banana with the portal and Timmy will open the door.

4. Once in side the big tube, you can see a weed whipper. Use the banana picket to get it.

5. Leave the mine and go to the pool of lava in the lava field. Cross over the palm tree bridge and go down to the pool. Use the weed whipper on the patch of weeds. Lava is released into the mine. It flows into the big tube and powers up the machinery.

6. Cross the stone bridge over the half-empty lava pit and follow the trail east to the big monkey head.

7. Use the bronze hat with the monkey head. Guybrush will throw the hat on top of the monkey head.

8. Use the banana picker with the monkey nose to open the mouth. Go through the mouth and into the control room. It seems the monkey head is a gigantic robot.

9. Go to the left center of the central console and Guybrush should see a »prominent slot.« Use the Gubernatorial Symbol with the slot, the giant monkey robot is activated, Guybrush is joined by a couple companions, and they're off.



ACT III+
GUYBRUSH KICKS UNUSUALLY LARGE BUTT

MELEE ISLAND

1. Pick up the really big plank on the ground to the right of the smallest tower.

2. Use the really big plank with the shortest tower. Climb the tower then jump on really big plank.

3. When you get to the top of the tallest tower use the excessively large switch.

4. In the final contest between the giant LeChuck and the giant Monkey Robot, use the Monkey Kombat techniques you learned. You can't defeat LeChuck by winning, you must tie him three times in succession.

5. Happy gaming!



The list of the insults and their proper answers:

INSULT
RESPONSE
Today, by myself, twelve people I've beaten.
From the size of your gut, I'd guess they were eaten.
I've got muscles in places you've never even heard of.
It's too bad none of them are in your arms.
Give up now, or I'll crush you like a grape.
I would if it would stop your WINE-ing.
My ninety-eight-year-old grandmother has bigger arms than you.
Yeah, but we've both got better bladder control than you.

I'm going to put your arm in a sling.
Why, are you studying to be a Nurse?
My stupefying strength will shatter your ulna into a million pieces.
I'm surprised you can count that high.

Hey, look over there!
Yeah, yeah, I know: It's a three- Headed monkey.
Your knuckles I'll grind to a splintery paste.
I thought the bean dip had a strange taste.
Your arms are no bigger than fleas that I've met.
So that's why you're scratching. I'd go see a vet.
People consider my fists lethal weapons.
Sadly, your breath should be equally reckoned.
Only once have I met such a coward.
He must have taught you every thing you know.
You're the ugliest creature I've seen in my life.
I'm shocked that you never have gazed at your wife.
My forearms have been mistaken for tree trunks.
An over-the-counter defoliant could help with that problem.
I've out-wrestled Octopi with these arms.
I'm sure that spineless creatures everywhere are humbled by your might.
Do I see quivers of agony dance on your lip?
It's laugher that's caused by your feathery grip.



Here is a list of losing insults and answers:

LOSER INSULT
LOSER RESPONSE
You're a big poopy head!
Oh, yeah?
You suck!
NOT
Dummy!
I am rubber, you are glue...
You're not very nice!
I'm shakin'! I'm shakin'!
I don't want to play anymore.
Shyea! How appropriate. You fight like a cow.


Escape From Monkey Island Walkthrough © 2000 by Jim Blanchard
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