DATENMÜLL

Mir fehlt(e bisher) ein Stichwort bei dem man mal so richtig ohne nachzudenken seinen Mist loswerden kann.
Daher nun also „Datenmüll“.

Dabei muss gesagt werden, dass es schwer ist Datenmüll zu definieren. Denn sobald jemand Stift, Papier oder Tastatur zur Hand nimmt und einen Text schreibt, muss man ihm/ihr zumindest das Recht einräumen, den Text nicht zu verabscheuen solange man ihn nicht gelesen hat.
Dennoch hier nun also die Kategorie Datenmüll!
!“§$%&()=?`*’_:; Dazu erzähle ich euch nun, dass ich bereits so ( ) kurz davor stand diese Kategorie einzuführen, als mir mein „ich verachte dich, ich hasse dich abgrundtief, bist du eigentlich total beknackt, eines Tages werde ich dich mit einer Axt...“-Computer - korrigiere PC - einen Strich durch die Rechnung machte und mich aus dem Netscape-Navigator warf. Warum auch immer.;.jczj f
Und auf grund von bis zur selbstzerstörung gehendem kampfes gegen alles was tasten hat eckigist undwo pc draufsteht fange ichgv nun an dich wie #-..-.#_Ä&/%mit datenmüll zu ärgern erg.#_ich weiß das ist dir egal, aber solange ich meine vernünftigen daten die auf dir sind wenigstens einigermaßen behalten will , was mich vor der axt zurückschrecken lässt, müllei hc dich hin und wieder mit dastenmüll zu auch wenns dir ega l ist egal um dich dann doch wieder ach arghhtrhjdgflkjdhgfklöngblbäöpoujkljüpoöjklcbföjkgflxd warum sapiorusekrlöjdnm,gf.warumwarumwarumwarum

Ich wurde mal von einer Frau gefragt, die sich eher mit dem Sozialen, gar Politischen und nicht weniger dem Kunstgeschichtlich-Archäologischen befasste, dazu auch noch Rachmaninov und die Beatles mochte, was ich denn gerade läse (sie gebrauchte bestimmt jenen conjunctivus brachialis). Nachdem sie vorher etwas über Rudolf Steiner referiert hatte (sie gehörte zu jenen, die, wenn sie über Rudolf Steiner referieren, es so tun, als sei es selbstverständlich, dass es den Gegenüber brennend interessiere), erwartete sie von mir einen ähnlich lodernden Vortrag. Ich sagte: »öh, so 'n Buch über Kosmologie«, und schloss den Vortrag damit ab. »Aaah, ja«, entgegnete sie knapp. Ich schämte mich sehr, so etwas zu lesen; ich vermutete Jahre später, meine Wortkargheit hinsichtlich des Themas hatte einen arg arroganten Eindruck auf sie gemacht. Das war aber nur eine späte Spekulation. Ich bin sicher, im Moment des Ereignisses schämte ich mich so sehr wie sie mich bemitleidete und sie war froh, dass ich mich so kurz gefasst hatte. Und eigentlich schäme ich mich heute noch und, wenn ich überhaupt noch was lesen würde, läse (conjunctivus brachialis!) ich so was lieber heimlich unter der Bettdecke. Überhaupt weiß ich gar nicht, wie ein Leben ohne Scham funktioniert, also ich meine, wie sich das von innen anfühlt. Diese sozial-politisch-kunsthistorisch-archäologische Steiner-Leserin schien mir allerdings nah vor dieser Himmelspforte gestanden haben; man stelle sich einmal vor: sie legte, ohne ihre leckere Tortellini essenden Gäste zu fragen, ein Klavierkonzert von Rachmaninov auf und gestikulierte von herrlich schwelgenden Streichern redend mit ausgebreiteten Armen am Tisch herum. Das war einer meiner vielen und ganz großen in Depression endenden Abende.

(egozentrischer Scheißtext)

J J.C. J.J. Jaakko Jaap Jabari Jace Jacek Jacey Jaci Jacie Jacinda Jacinta Jack Jackeline Jacki Jackie Jacklyn Jackson Jaclyn Jacob Jacoby Jacque Jacqueline Jacquelyn Jacquelynn Jacques Jacquez Jacy Jada Jade Jaden Jadon Jadyn Jaelyn Jahanna Jaida Jaiden Jailene Jailyn Jaime Jaimie Jairo JaJa Jake Jaki Jakob Jakov Jaleel Jaleiza. Jalen Jalisa Jalon Jalyn Jamaica Jamal Jamaludin Jamar Jamarcus Jamari Jamel James Jameson Jamey Jami Jamia Jamie Jamil Jamila Jamillet Jamison Jammison Jan Jana Janae Janay Jancey Jane Janeane Janel Janell Janelle Janessa Janet Janette Janice Janie Janielle Janina Janine Janko Janna Jannelle Jansen Janson Jaquan Jaqueline Jaques Jar Jar Jare Jared Jarel Jaren Jaret Jarett Jarod Jaromir Jaron Jarred Jarrel Jarret Jarrett Jarrod Jarvis Jase Jasmin Jasmine Jasmyn Jasmyne Jason Jaspal Jasper Jataya Java Javier Javon Javonte Jawaharial Jaxon Jay Jayce Jaycee Jayda Jayde Jayden Jayla Jaylan Jaylen Jaylene Jaylin Jaylon Jayme Jaymee Jaymie Jaymie Lynne Jayms Jayne Jayson Jazlyn Jazmin Jazmin Li Jazmine Jazmyn Jazmyne Jean Jean Claude Jean Luc Jean-Lois Jean-paul Jeane Jeanetta Jeanette Jeanne Jeannie Jeannine Jeb Jed Jeda Jedi Jedidia Jees Jeff Jefferson Jeffery Jeffrey Jeffry Jefim Jegg Jelani Jellybean Jellytot Jen Jena Jene Jengo Jeni Jenifar Jenifer Jenilee Jenimida Jenn Jenna Jennie Jennifer Jennifer Yi Jenny Jensen Jerad Jere Jeremiah Jeremy Jeri Jerilyn Jerimiah Jermaine Jerod Jerome Jerrod Jerry Jervase Jery Jese Jesebel Jesenia Jesi Jesper Jess Jesse Jessenia Jessey Jessi Jessica Jessie Jessika Jessy Jesus Jesy Jet Jethro Jevon Jewel Jhada Jhade Jhetan Jig Jill Jilli Jillian Jilliana Jillina Jim Jimbo jimbob Jimi Jimmie Jimmy Jinx Jishni Jishnu Jitters Jive JJ Jnan Jo Jo Anne Joan Joana Joann Joanna Joanne Joaquin Jocelyn Jocelyne Jock Jodee Jodi Jodie Jody Joe Joejo Joel Joelen Joelle Joely Joey Joffre Johan Johana Johann Johanna John John David John Paul Johnathan Johnathon Johnna Johnni Johnnie Johnny Joi JoJo Jolene Joline Jolly Jon Jona Jonah Jonas Jonatan Jonathan Jonathon JoNel Joni Jonie Jonna Jonni Jonnie Jonny Jordan Jorden Jordi Jordin Jordon Jordy Jordyn Jorg Jorge Jory Jose Josef Joseff Josefina Joselyn Joseph Josephin Josephina Josephine Josepi Josh Joshi Joshua Josi Josiah Josianne Josie Joslyn Josue Jovan Jovani Jovany Joy Joyce Joycelyn Juan Juana Juanita Jud Jude judiah Judith Judson Judy Juen Jukka Jules Juli Julia Julian Juliana Julianna Julianne Julie Julien Juliet Julio Julisa Julissa Julius Julliene Julliette july June Junior Junna Juno Jupiter Jurgen Justen Justice Justin Justina Justine Justus Justyn Juventino Juwak Juwan Jynda Kaalya Kacey Kaci Kacie Kacy Kade Kaden Kadon Kaela Kaelyn Kah-Soon Kai Kail Kaila Kailee Kailey Kailyn Kaisa Kaitlin Kaitlyn Kaitlynn Kakori Kala Kalasina Kale Kaleb Kalee Kaleigh Kalen Kaley Kali Kalia Kalie Kalina Kalla Kalli Kallie Kalvin Kalyn Kameron Kami Kamron Kamryn Kane Kapak Kara Kareem Karen Kari Karin Karina Karl Karla Karlee Karlee Jade Allen Karley Karli Karlie Karly Karossa Karry Karyn Kasandra Kasden Kase Kasey Kasie Kasper kasplatza Kassai Kassandra Kassidy Kassie Kat Katariina Katarina Kate Katelin Katelyn Katelynn Katerina Katey Katharine Katherine Katheryn Kathleen Kathlyn Kathrine Kathryn Kathy Katia Katie Katie-Lynn Katlyn Katlynn Katrina Kattana Katy Katya Kavi Kavin Kay Kaya Kaycee Kaye Kayla Kaylah Kaylan Kayle Kaylee Kayleen Kayleigh Kaylen Kayley Kayli Kaylia Kaylie Kaylin Kaylyn Kaylynn kaymimas Kaytlin Kaytlyn Kaze Kazoo Kazuya Kazza Keagan Keana Keanna Keanu Keara Keaton Keavy Keegan Keeley Keely Keenan Keera Kegan Keila Keiper Keira Keisha Keishla Keith Keizo Kel Keladry Kelby Kelcie Keli Kellen Kelley Kelli Kelli-Anne Kellie Kelly Kelly-Anne Kelsea Kelsey Kelsi Kelsie Kelsy Kelton Kelvin Ken-oki Kenan Kendal Kendall Kendra Kendrick Kenia Kenket Kenna Kennedi Kennedy Kenneth Kenny Kent Kenton Kenya Kenyon Kenzie Keon Kera Keri Kerin Kerista Kermit Kerrie Kerry Kerya Keshawn Kess Ketseput Kev Keven Kevin Kevon Key Keyana Keyla Keyon Keyshawn Khabhea Khadijah Khalaya Khaled Khaleda Khalid Khalied Khalif Khalil Khari Khiyon Khushim Kia Kiana Kianna Kiara Kibble Kichebo Kiel Kiera Kieran Kierra Kiersten Kierstin Kija Kikeri Kiko Kikuo Kiley Kili Killian Kilo Kim Kimberle Kimberlee Kimberley Kimberly Kimra Kindle Kindra King Kinsey Kiplo Kipp Kira Kirk Kiros Kirra Kirsten Kirsti Kirstin Kish Kiss Kit Kitsell Kittie Kitty Kiwi KKK Klaranda Klarissa Klaus Klay Kloss Knack Knatokie Knight Knute Koala Kobe Koby Kody KoKo Kolby Kole Kolton Komai Konner Konnor Koosh Kor Korbin Kordell Korey Kori Kornel Kortney Kory Kourtney Kral Kramer Kriem Kris Krisa Krista Kristal Kristana Kristas Kristen Kristi Kristian Kristie Kristien Kristin Kristina Kristine Kristinna Kristofer Kristopher Kristy Kristyn Krusty Krysit Krysta Krystal Krysti Kudo Kudos Kuratay Kurk Kurt Kurtis Ky Kyla Kylan Kyle Kylee Kyleigh Kyler Kylie Kymberli Kymberly kyp Kyra Kyree Kyrene Kyrillion Kyte Labellla Lacey Lacie Lacy Ladarius Laddy Lady Ladybird Laee Laetitia Laffeyette Lafina Laguna Laida Laila Laith Lakeisha Laken Lalah Lalina Laly Lamar Lamaria Lamont Lan Lana LaNae Lance Lancey Landen Lando Landon Lane Lanetta Langdon Lani Lania Lanita Lanova Lanu Laojing Laqueenah LaQuinta Lara Larak Laria Larissa Larraine Larry Lars LaShandra LaShawn Lasonya LaTanya Latara LaTasha LaTessa Latisha LaToya Laura Laura Lynn LauraLee Laurel Lauren Laurence Laurenn Lauri Lauryn Lavenda Laverna Laverne Lavina Lawny Lawrence Layla Layne Layton Le Lea Leaf Leah Leandra Leann Leanna Leanne Leara Learlean Lecil Lee lee lea lee lee Leeann Leeanne Leelee Leeloo Lefonza Lego Leia Leif Leigh Leigha Leila Leilani Leisa Leita Leland Lelia Lella Len Lena Lenna Lenny Lenore Leo Leon Leona Leonard Leonardo Leone Leonel Leonilde Leontine Leow Leroy Leslee Lesley Leslie Lesly Lester Lethe Leticia Letitia Letwon Lev Levana Levi Lew Lewis Lexi Lexie Lexis Lexus Lez Lia Liam Liana Libby Liberty Libra Lidia Lidija Liesl Lieutenant Liezel Likiko Likosho Lil Lila Lilac Lili Lilia Liliac Ti Lilian Liliana Lilla Lilli Lillian Lilliana Lillie Lilly Lily Lime Lina Lincoln Linda Linden Lindsay Lindsey Lindy Ling Lingyan Link Linn Linnea Linsey Lion Lionel Lisa Lisa Renee Lisandra Lise Lisenka Lisette Lissa Lissette Lita Litasha Liv Livia Livingstone Liz Liza Lizbeth Lizeth Lizette Lizzy Ljiljana Lloyd Loaren Lockwood Logan Login Loistine Loka Lola Lolita Lolly Lollypop Lolou Lomey Lomis Lona Londa Lone Gunman Lone one Lonnie Lora Loran Loraylee Loreen Lorek Lorelei Loren Lorena Lorenz Lorenzo Loreta Loretta Lori Loriann Lorianne Lorraine Lorrie Lothar Lottie Lou Loudon Louella Louie Louis Louisa Louise Love Lowell Lowy Lu Ann Lu Anne Luai LuAnn Luanne Luba Luberta Lubina Lubirda Luca Lucas Lucero Lucia Luciana Luciano Lucille Lucinda Lucky Lucrecia Lucy Luella Luevinia Luigi Luis Luisa Lukas Luke Lula Luliana luna Lunchbox Lune Lurora Lurosyne Luter Luther Luvz Luz Lydia Lyn Lynda Lyndon Lyndsey Lyndsy lyndzii Lynea Lynn Lynne Lynnette Lynsey Lynzi Lyorette Lyra Lyric Lyrus Lyz Maayan Mabel Macayla Mace MacGregor Maci Mackel Mackenzie Macy Madalyn Madalynn Madame Maddison Madelaine Madeleine Madeline Madelyn Madelynn Madi Madilyn Madisen Madison Madyson Mae Maegan Maeve Magdalena Magdaline Magdelena Magenta Maggie Magic Magnetic Magnum Magnus mahmoud Mahra Mahu Maia Maira Maise Maiya Majora Makaela Makaila Makala Makayla Makena Makenna Makoto Mal Malachi Malakite Malay Malaysia Malcolm Malia Malik Malina Malique Malita Mallary Mallern Mallery Mallory Malteser Malvina Manda Mandalee Mandi Mandy Manfred Mango Manic Manic Man Manni Manny Manu Manual Manuel Manwe Mao Mara Marai Maran Yi Maranda Marc Marcel Marcela Marcella Marcello Marcelo Marci Marcia Marco Marcos Marcus Maree Maren Marengo Margaret Margarita Margeraet Margeriet Margery Margherita Margileth Margit Margot Margreth Marguerite Mari Mari An Maria Mariah Mariam Marian Mariana Marianna Marianne Mariano Maribel Maribeth Maricela Marideth Marie Marie-claire Mariel Mariela Marija Marijan Marilou Marilu Marilyn Marin Marina marinella Mario Marion Maris Marisa Marisela Marisol Marissa Maritza Marjelo Marjorie Mark Markel Markell Markelo Marki Markus Marla Marle Marlee Marlen Marlena Marlene Marley Marlin Marlon Marlynn Marmaduke Marques Marquez Marquis Marquise Marrissa Mars Marshall Marta Marth Martha Martin Martina Martzi Marvin Marwen Mary Mary Ann Mary Anne Mary Connie Mary Ellen Mary Jane Mary Jo Mary Lema Mary Lou Mary Louise Mary Lu Mary Lynn Mary Margaret Mary Pat Mary Ruth Mary Sue Mary Therese Marya Maryam Maryann Maryfran Marylene MaryLou Marytn Masamune Masataka Masayasu Masayoshi Masha Mashari Mason Mat Mataleena Match Mateo Mathew Mathieu Matias matilda Matlida Matrim Matrix Matt Matte Matteo Matthew Matti Mattie Maud Maude Maudella Maura Maura Joan Maureen Maurice Mauricio Maurico Maury Mauve Maverick Max Maxi Maximilian Maximillian Maximus Maxine Maxwell May May Noe Maya Maye Maylynn Maynard Mayo Mayra Maze Mazel McKayla Mckenna McKenzie Me Meaghan Meaghana Mebarak Meddle Meenakashi Meg Megan Meggan Meghan Meinhart Meka Mekhi Mel Melaine Melani Melania Melanie Melda Meli Melia Melina Melinda Melisa Meliss Melissa Melita Melitta Melodi Melody Melvin Melvyn Mena Menk Menolly Meoran Mercedes Mercedez Mercy Meredith Meriam Meridath Meridith Merkin Merle Merri Merry Merstick Meryl Meta (pronounced MEE-ta) Metapod Mewtwo Meziad Mia Miah Mibialo Mica Micaela Micah Micayla Michael Michaela Michala Micheal Michele Michelle Mick Mickayla Mickey Micky Mida Midda Mide Midge Midnight Miep Miewlsy Miff Miguel Miguelange Mika Mikaela Mikahel Mikaila Mikala Mikayla Mike Mikel Mikhail Mikkei Miklos Milan Mildred Miles Milkyong Millany Millecent Millie Milliren Milly Milo Milorad Milorada Milton Mimete Mimi Mina Minako Mindy Minh Minka Minna Minnie Minty Mira Miracle Miranda Mireidy Mirella Mireya Miriam Miribilie Mirja Misael Mischief Misha Mishanti Misia Missy Mistic Misty Mitch Mitchel Mitchell Mitchell" Miten Mitzi Miya Mnemosyne(ne-mah-zi-nee) Mobberly mocha Moesha Moga Mohamed Mohammad Mohammed Mohandas Mohd Moiraine Moises Molasses Mollie Molly Molly Sue Momir Mondeelo Mondir Mondragor Monet Monica Monika Monique Monnie Monotosh Montagu Montana Monte Monti Monziemon Moon Morad Morgan Morgana Morgin Morgon Moriah Moritz Morningstar Morpheous Morris Mort Mortie Ann Mortimer Mortimor Mortimore Mory Moses Moshe Mouhamad Mozes Mr.boo Muddassir Mufusa Muhammad Muhsinah Mulan Munchy Muriel Murle Murray Murrin Musca Mustafa Mustaffa Mutt Muzzelad Mya Myah Mycah Myer Mykayla Myles Myra Myranda Myrna Myron Myrtle Mystique Myumi Myung Myz Nabil Nachi Naddia Nadia Nadine Nael Nai Nair Naja Najee Nakia Nakita Nan Nanci Nancy Nanette Naniki Nanny Naomi Napoleon Naporsha Narly Nary Nashalie Nashaly Nasir Nasseken Nat Natali Natalia Natalie Nataly Natalya Natascha Natasha Nate Nathalie Nathaly Nathan Nathanael Nathanial Nathaniel Nathen Nati Natia natina Natori Nautica Nawaz Naydyne Nayeli Neal Neale Ned Needa Neelam Neelan Neelix Nefertiti Nehelenia Nehemiah Neida Neil Nein Nela Nell Nellie Nelly Nelson Neo Neon Nereid Nero Nestle Nestor Neve Newell Newton Nia Niamh Nic Nichelle Nicholai Nicholas Nichole Nick Nicklaus Nickolas Nicky Nico Nicodemus Nicola Nicolas Nicole Nicolette Nicoli Nicolina Nienna Nigel Night Nikai Nike Nikhil Niki Nikia Nikita Nikki Niklas Niko Nikolas Nikole Nils Nimbus Nina Niodia Nipper Nitaliac Nitch Niti No Noah Noam Nobbit Nocolina Noe Noel Noelle Noemi Nokomis Nolan Nolad Nome Non Nope Nora Norayr Norbert Noreen Nori Norio Norm Norma Norman Normie Norny North Not-particularly-origional-looking Notpic Nox Numair Nusharum nuts Nyambe Nyang Nyasia Nyla Nynaeve Nyo Nyssa Nyz Oasis Oboe Octavia Octavio Odalis Odalys Oddette Oddie Odelia Odessa Odhran Odhran-pronounced 'ohrawn' Odowla Odraye Odysseus Ogygia Oink Okey Olaf Olavi Olesegun Olga Olin Oliva Olive Oliver Olivia Olivianne Olumuyiwa Olzie Omar Omari Omega Onalee Onerva Onion Onofrio Opal Ophelia Ophland Oprah Opus Opy Ora Orabell Oren Oreo Ori Orian Oriana Origon Orinee Orion Orlanda Orlando Orliene Ornithia Orrin Orson Orville Oscar Osh Kosh B'Gosh Osmo Osvaldo Othman Otis Otto Otxoi Otxoi Ourmar Owen Oz Ozious Ozzi Ozzy Pable Pablo Padme Page Paige Palemoon Palene Paloma Pamascus Pamela Pamela Sue Pamona Pandora Pantalaimon Pantalimon Paola Paramahansa Parekura Paris Parker Parody Pascal Pasiphae Pasquale Pasquele Pat Patience Patrica Patricia Patrick Patsy Patti Paul Paula Paulina Pauline Paulo Pavo Pawn Paxton Payne Payton Peace Pearl Pedro Peg Pegasus Pelle Penelope Penelopea Penguin Penny Pepi Pepper Pepsi pereira Perez Peri Perky Perla Perrin Perry Pesty Pet Peta Pete Peter Petunia Peyton Phaeton Phil Philip Philippa Phillip Philomena Philomina Phoebe Phoenix Phylicia Phyllis Pichu Picklepants Pierce Pierre Pietro pikachu Pin Pine Ping Pinkpower Pinto Piper Pippa Pippin Piroska Pisces Pito Placido Pluto Pointsetta Pokey Poledra Polgra Polina Polly Ponog Pookie Poppy Porter Possum Posy Prabu Pragna Prancer Prather Precious Presley Preston Prince Princess Priscila Priscilla Prity Priya Protoss Prue Psyche Puddles Pugsy Purcy Purdie Purr Pyz Quack Quadrella Quadruped Quail Quake Quantas Quantum Quark Quarrel Quarter Quartz Quasar Quaver Quay Quazimodo Queasy Quebec queen Queensland Quelo Quentin Quiana Quigley Quill Quin Quince Quincy Quinn Quinta Quinten Quintin Quinton Quintonio Quirk Quistis Quiz Quizz Quokka Quorth Qurantine Qyz Rabbit Rabble Rabi Rachael Racheal Rachel Rachele Rachell Rachelle Rae Rae Ann Rae Dean RaeAnn Raechelle Raegan Raekwon Rafael Raffle Raghu Raghubir Raheel Raheem Rahepsi Rahner Rahul Raina Rainbow Rainbow Bright Raine Rainer Raj Rajarathinam Rajendra Rajshekhar rakia Raknison Ralf Ralff Ralph Rambo Rameses Ramesh Rami Ramiro Rammi Ramon Ramona Rand Randal Randall Rande Randi Random Randson Randy Ranita Raphael Raquel Rares Rascal Rashad Rashawn Rasheed Rashkae Ratharee Raul Raven Ravenna Ray Rayanne RayJohn Raymond Raymundo Rayna Raynor Rayven Rchael Rchele Rea Reagan Reanat Reanna Reavis Rebakah Rebeca Rebecca Rebekah Rebel Rebound Red Reece Reed Reena Reese Refior Regan Regina Reginald Regis Rei Reid Reiko Reilly Reina Reindeer Remedios Remi Remington Remle Remus Renae Renata Renaud Rene Renea Renee Reshawana Retta Reuben Reva Rex Rey Reyna Reynaldo Rhakiah Rhapsody Rhett Rhiamon Rhian Rhianna Rhiannon Rhonda Rian Riana Ricardo Rice Rich Richard Richaun Rick Rickett Rickey Rickie Ricky Rico Ride Rigdon Rigoberta Rigoberto Riki Riley Rina Rini Rinoa Rio Grande Riordan Riri Rita Ritchie River Rivers Rizwan Rob Robbie Robert Roberta Roberto Robin Robot Robyn Rochelle Rockford Rocky Rod Roderic Roderick Rodney Rodolfo Rodrigo Rodrik Roe Roeun Sam Rogelio Roger Rohan Rohit Roland Rolando Roma Romaine Roman Romana Romeo Romi Romin Romney Romona Romulus Ron Ronald Ronaldo Ronnie Ronny Roo Roosevelt Roper Rory Rosa Rosalie Rosalind Rosaline Rosalyn Rosanna Rosanne Rosario Rosary rosco Roscoe Rose Rose Laurel Rose Marie Rosemarie Rosemary Rosenberg Rosette Rosevally Rosie Roslyn Ross Roth Roual Rover Rowena Roxana RoxAnne Roxy Roy Royce Roz Ruben Rubi Rubina Ruby Ruchi Rudolf Rudy Rudyruff ruffas Rufino Ruhollah Ruldoph Rumbles Rumour Rupert Rus Russ Russell Rusty Ruth Ruthie Rutia Rutina Ruto Ryan Ryane Ryann Ryder Ryhorn Rylan Rylee Ryleigh Ryley Rylie Ryo-ohki Ryoko Ryz Sabina Sabrina Sabruna Sade Sadie Safar Saffron Sage Sahand saida Saige Sait Sal Salamonica Salcilia Salem Salena Salil Salina Sallie Sally Salma Salsa Salvador Salvatore Salvitore Sam Samantha Samara Samaria Samir Samira Sammy Sampson Samson Samuel Samuri San Yi Sanaata Sandeep Sandi Sandor Sandra Sandrilene Sandry Sandy Sanford Sanita Sanjay Santa Santana Santiago Santina Santos Saphire Sara Sarah Sarah-jimmy-mcwackerly Sarah-Lee Sarahi Sarai Sare Sariah Sarina Sarisa Sarolta Sasha Sassafrass Satchet Satori Saturn Saul Saundra Savana Savanah Savanna Savannah Savio Savion Sawyer Scamp Scarlett Scat Schkara Schturdak Schuyler Scilla Scoff Scone Scorpio Scot Scotch Scott Scratchy Sea shell Seamus Sean Searra Sebastian Sebastien Seedle Seema Seifer Seiya Sela Selena Selina Selma Selphie Sena Sentinal Sephiroth Sephyre Seraph Serena Serenity Sergei Sergio Serin Serina Ses Sesenta Sessette Seste Set Seth Seth Yi Seti Setrag Setsuna Sexy Abs Seymour Shaan Shae Shaelyn Shaharazad Shahida Shahzad Shain Shaina Shaine Shakira Shalom Shamar Shan Shana Shanan Shane Shaneika Shania Shanice Shanie Shanna Shannon Shanon Shantel Shaquail Shaquenda Shaquille Shara Sharanie Shari Sharkie Sharle Sharon Shaun Shauna Shawn Shawna Shawnee Shawnette Shawnna Shay Shaye Shayla Shaylee Shayna Shayne Shea Sheeber Sheepie Sheila Sheild Shel Shela Shelbe Shelbi Shelbie Shelby Sheld Sheldon Shelley Shelly Shelodn Shema Shemar Sherbert Sheri Sherlock Sherrie Sherry Shewinna Shiann Shianne Shield Shirley Shirly Shivani Shohei Shoko Shona Shongshar Shonna Shredd Shrimp shu chi Shulamith Shyann Shyanne Shyla Siabhonn Siam Sian Sibbie Sidney Sidonija Sieha Yem Sienna Siera Sierra Siew Sigmar Sigmund Signa Siiri Silas Silk Silky Silvia Silvio Sim Simba Simeon Simon Simone Simran Sindi Sinead Singra Sio Bibble Siobhan Siren Sitangsu Ski Skip Sky Skye Skyla Skylar Skyler Skywalker Slater Sleep Sleepless Slick Sloan Slobodan Smartie Smile Smiley Smirk Smith Smurf Snap Snapz Snicker Snickers Snip SniperSnowflake Snowy Socrates Sofia Sofina Sohaib Sol Solomon Sommer Sonal Sondra Sonia Sonic sonica Sonja Sonja Maire Sonny Sonya Sooty Sophia Sophie Sophina Sophonax Sora Sothy Kong Sparkle Sparky Spell Spencer Sphynyx Spiffy Spike Splash Spottsa Spotty Spring Spyro Sqall Squall Squokka Sri Srinivasan Staar Stacey Stacie Stacy Stan Stanley Star Starr Stasia Steele Stefan Stefani Stefania Stefanie Steffen Stella Stephan Stephani Stephanie Stephany Stephen Stephon Sterling Steve Steven Stevie Stewart Stone Storm Stormy Stratton String Strother Stuart Stueben Stupid Suisa Sukanya Suki Sully Sumanta Sumitra Summer Sundaresan Sundea Sunny Sunseza Sunshine Sunshine Space-tweesers Super Sonic Suprcalifragelisticexpealidotious Supriya Surapol Suriname Susan Susana Susanna Susenta Sushi Susie Suzane Suzanne Suzie Svenja Sweetheart Sweetie Sweetz Swuirtle Sydnee Sydney Sydni Sydnie Syed Sylvester Sylvia Symone Syoko Syril Soren Tabatha Tabitha Taboo Tad Tadahiro Taesha Taffy Tahj Taiann Taiba Tailchaser Tails Taizo Taj Takara Taki Talia Talitha Taliyah Talli Tallow Talon Tam Tamara Tamarai Tamaran Tameka Tamera Tami Tamia Tamika Tamira Tammy Tandy Tania Tanisha Tanja Tanjha Tanner Tanya Tara Tarah Tarek Tarel Tarell Tarik Tariq Taro Tarrel Tarryn Taryn Tarzan Tasha Tasia Tassie Tate Tatiana Tatianna Tatiyana Tatum Tatyana Tatyanna Taurus Tavian Tavon Tawni Tawny Tawnya Taya Tayla Taylar Tayler Taylor Tcheky Tea Teagan Teanna Ted Teddy Teena Teesha Tehya Tein Tek Telli Telsa Tenar Tennesse Tera Terasa Tere Terecia Terence Teresa Terese Terica Terra Terrance Terrasa Terrell Terrence Terri Terrible Terror Terry Tess Tessa Tevin Tevran Thaddeus Thadius Thakur Thalia Thanh Thayer Thayette Thekla Thelma Theo Theodore Theolanna Theopolis Theresa Therese Theron Theseus Thierry Thomas Thulani Thumbelina Thurgood Thursday Tia Tiago Tiana Tianna Tiara Tiarra Tibor Ticky Tidbit tidleylop tidleyplop Tiera Tierra Tif Tiff Tiffani Tiffanie Tiffany Tiffiny Tiger Tiggy Tillea Tim Timmy Timna Timo Timothy Tina Tina Marie Tinker Tinsel Tio Tip-Top Tippy Tish Tisha Titus tj Toad Tobby Tobias Toby Tod Todd Toepa Tog Token Tom Toma Tomas Tomi Tomisha Tomislav Tommas Tommy Toni Tonina Tony Tonya Tootsie Top Topaz Topias Topsy Tori Torrance Totieana Toto Townes Trace Tracey Traci Tracie Tracy Tracy Sue Trav Travers Travis Travon Tre Treasure Tree-trunk Trellia Trent Trenton Trev Trever Trevin Trevion Trevir Trevon Trevor Trey Treyvon Tri Tria Tribble Tricia Triffid Trill Trina Trinady Triniti Trinity Trinket Tris Trisana Trish Trisha Trista Tristan Tristen Tristian Tristin Triston Trix Trixi Troi Trollesund Trolli Trollo Trot Troy Trudi Trudy Truman Trupp Trus Trygve Trystan Tubby Tucker Tuesday Turkey Turki Turner Tuulia Tuvok Twana Twig Twinkle Twit Ty Tya Tyann Tyanna Tyesha Tyler Tyller Tylor Tyquan Tyra Tyree Tyreek Tyrek Tyrell Tyrese Tyrik Tyriq Tyrique Tyro Tyron Tyrone Tyshawn Tyson Tyz Tyzo U2 Udder Udo Udomete 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Küche

Holland genießt auf kulinarischem Gebiet zwar nicht das...

Holland genießt auf kulinarischem Gebiet zwar nicht das hohe Ansehen Frankreichs oder Italiens, doch lassen sich in Amsterdam mühelos Restaurants aller Kategorien finden, die außerordentliche Gaumenfreuden auftischen. Der Amsterdamer selbst speist sehr gerne auswärts. Essen zu gehen ist hier eine in erster Linie gesellige und informelle Angelegenheit. Am liebsten lassen sich die Hauptstädter in den kleineren, besonders originell oder trendy eingerichteten Lokalen verwöhnen. Viele dieser In-Restaurants liegen innerhalb des Grachtengürtels, im Jordaan oder im Museumsviertel.

Es ist kein billiger Spaß, in Holland auswärts essen zu gehen. Die Preiskategorie »zwischen 10 und 15 DM« existiert hier kaum. Das günstigste Angebot ist stets die »dagschotel«, das Tagesgericht.

Die traditionell holländische Küche ist sehr nahrhaft: Kartoffeln, Fleisch und Gemüse bilden noch immer die Basis fast jeder Mahlzeit, ob separat zubereitet oder vermengt in kräftigen Suppen und Eintöpfen. Im Lauf der Zeit fanden jedoch viele Eigenheiten der französischen Cuisine Eingang in die holländische Küche oder wurden leicht verändert auf einheimische Speisen angewendet, so bei Texelaer Lammfleisch oder Limburger Spargel. Die vielen Amsterdamer ausländischer Herkunft - mehr als 140 verschiedene Nationalitäten haben hier ihre Heimat - verhalfen der Stadt zu einer weltoffenen und weltweiten Küche, wobei die indonesische Küche in den Niederlanden eine ganz besondere Stellung einnimmt. Aufgrund der langen historischen Verbundenheit - Indonesien war bis 1947 niederländische Kolonie - prägen zahlreiche indonesische Restaurants das Straßenbild Amsterdams. Puristen schwören auf die nuancenreiche, charakteristisch indonesische Schärfe; chinesische Reisgerichte sind meist etwas milder im Geschmack. Achtung: Die Indonesische Küche kann auf holländisch sowohl »indonesische« als auch »indische keuken« heißen, während man »indiaas« ißt, wenn man zum Inder geht.

Die stetig wachsende Klientel der Vegetarier wird auch in Amsterdam immer besser bedient. Nicht nur die zahlreichen vegetarischen Restaurants, sondern auch die Mehrzahl der »konventionellen« Lokale bieten vollständige vegetarische Gerichte an - welke Salatblätter und öde Sättigungsbeilagen sind längst passé.

Immer mehr Café-Betreiber sind dazu übergegangen, neben Kaffee und Kuchen auch kleine Mahlzeiten zu servieren. Offiziell dürfen sie sich nicht Restaurant nennen, aber dem Besucher kann das vollkommen egal sein. Im »Eetcafé« kann, eben wie im Restaurant, in entspannter Atmosphäre gegessen und getrunken werden - nur daß die Angebotspalette nicht ganz so groß ausfällt. Meist gibt es auch ein täglich wechselndes Gericht. Gemütlich, bezahlbar und großzügig - so könnte man die Eetcafés charakterisieren.

Lunchtime ist von 12-14 Uhr, Dinnertime ab 18 Uhr, die Küche meistens nur bis 22/23 Uhr geöffnet. Doch für den späten Hunger gibt es etliche Nachtrestaurants. Ein Tip für hungrige Ausländer: Die Hauptmahlzeit der Holländer ist das abendliche Dinner, mittags nimmt man in der Regel nur einen kleinen Imbiß zu sich. Teure Restaurants bieten allerdings oft auch Lunchmenüs an.

Schnelle Häppchen

Belegte Brötchen sind die meistgeliebten »tussendoortjes«, »Zwischendurchleins« also. Vom alten Gouda über Mozzarella, von Lachssalat bis hin zum knackigen Grün mit Ei und Tomaten variieren die möglichen Beläge. Die Adresse für »belegde broodjes« schlechthin ist Dobben's Eetsalon, Korte Reguliersdwarsstr. 5. »Broodje van Dobben« ist ein stehender Begriff, den jeder Amsterdamer kennt.

Wer etwas Herzhafteres möchte, sollte die kleinen holländischen Fischstände am Straßenrand keinesfalls links liegenlassen. Ein Garnelenbrötchen oder ein »hollandse nieuwe« (frischer, roher Hering) stillt den Hunger, vielleicht kombiniert mit einer riesigen sauren Gurke, einer »zure bom«. Auch exotischere Gelüste werden befriedigt: mit Kebab, Falafel oder Loempias (Frühlingsrollen).

Um wirklich satt zu werden, empfiehlt sich eine Portion »vlaamse frites« oder »patat«, wie Pommes hier heißen. Die frischgeschnittenen fritierten Kartoffelstäbchen mit den in Deutschland leider üblichen, gefriergetrockneten Industriefritten zu vergleichen, wäre eine grobe Beleidigung. Mit der Formel »patatje met« werden Pommes Mayo geordert, bei »patatje oorlog« werden Pommes und Zwiebeln in Mayonnaise und Satésoße getränkt - eine Kalorienbombe sondergleichen. Gute Vlaamse Frites bekommt man z. B. in der Reguliersbreestraat an der Ecke zum Halvemaansteeg. Hier ist ebenfalls eine der berühmt-berüchtigten FEBO-Filialen zu finden, wo man Kroketten, »kaassouflé«, Hamburger und ähnliches einfach aus dem Automaten zieht.

Wer so gegen fünf Uhr nachmittags ein »borreltje«, einen Schnaps, in einem der »bruine cafés« zu sich nehmen will - und nicht wenige Amsterdamer wollen das -, sollte unbedingt eine »borrelgarnituur« bestellen. Zu einem Stückchen Gouda bekommt man dann unverfälschte Amsterdamer Ochsenwurst und »bitterballen« (panierte, fritierte Ragoutbällchen).

Adressen

Pico, Nieuwmarkt 3, Tel. 6274919, Tgl. 12-1, Küche 18-22.30 Uhr, Metro: Nieuwmarkt. Gerichte bis 17,50 hfl. Kleines und gemütliches italienisches Café. Ein Erlebnis ist der Blick auf die festlich erleuchtete Waage am Abend. Und dazu gibt's frische Pasta, Fleisch- und Fischgerichte.

The Pancake Bakery, Prinsengracht 191, Tel. 6251333, tgl. 12-22 Uhr, Tram 13, 14, 17. In diesem historischen Lagerhaus bei der Westerkerk kostet das teuerste »Stück«, der internationale »superpannekoek«, 18,95 hfl. Seit über 20 Jahren ist hier eines der bekanntesten Pfannkuchenhäuser Amsterdams ansässig. Die Rezeptur ist wohl der Grund für den anhaltenden Erfolg: Sie datiert aus dem 17. Jh. Über 70 Pfannkuchenkreationen stehen zur Auswahl; mit Speck, Käse, Apfel, Shoarma, Chili oder gebackener Banane - alles ist erlaubt.

Sluizer, Utrechtsestraat 43 und 45, Tel. 638 90 02, Mo-Fr 12-15, 17-24, Sa, So nur 17-24 Uhr; Tram 4. 3-Gänge-Menü ab 25 hfl. Bis Mitternacht wird hier, zwischen Rembrandtplein und Carré, Kulinarisches serviert. Die zwei Lokale - Nr. 45 ist ein Fischrestaurant - zählen zu den bestbesuchten Amsterdams. Das dunkelbraune Interieur wird durch farbenfrohe Kunstwerke aufgelockert. Von der auf der Rückseite gelegenen Terrasse blickt man auf grüne Innenhöfe. Alle zwei Monate wechselt die Auswahl der internationalen Fisch- oder Fleischspezialitäten. Ein Tip für diejenigen, die gerne spät essen und sich in etwas hektischer Großstadtatmosphäre wohlfühlen.

Dorrius, Nieuwezijds Voorburgwal 5, Tel. 4202224, Mo-So 17-23 Uhr, Tram 1, 2, 5, 13, 17. Menüs 47,50-75 hfl. In traditionsreicher, von alt-holländischem Interieur geprägter Umgebung ist das Dorrius eines der wenigen gehobeneren Restaurants mit dem Schwerpunkt auf holländischer Küche. Die leckeren Eintopfgerichte, zeeländische Austern, Käsesoufflé oder Kichererbsen werden nach traditionellen Rezepten zubereitet.

Asiatische Küche

Der indonesischen und chinesischen Küche gebührt in Amsterdam besondere Würdigung. Auf dem Zeedijk (Metro: Nieuwmarkt), der »Hauptschlagader« des Chinesenviertels, stoßen Sie auf viele kleine chinesische Imbisse. Die Pekingenten im Schaufenster signalisieren, daß Sie richtig sind. Früher kamen ausschließlich Chinesen her, heute lassen es sich hier auch immer mehr »bleekneuzen«, »Bleichgesichter«, schmecken. Besonders empfehlenswert sind das Moi Kong (Nr. 87), das Nam Kee (Nr. 111) und das Hoi Tin (Nr. 122). Indonesische Restaurants sind sehr beliebt, dementsprechend groß ist ihre Zahl.

Indonesia, Korte Leidsedwarsstraat 18, Tel. 6232035, tgl. 17-23 Uhr, Tram 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 10. Große Auswahl an Reistafeln, ab 50 hfl. Traditionsadresse für ausgezeichnete indonesische Küche. Vornehm eingerichtetes Restaurant mit ausschließlich indonesischem Personal.

Im Falafelparadies

Wie im siebten Himmel wird sich in Amsterdam der Liebhaber der kleinen Kichererbsenbällchen fühlen. Zahlreiche Imbisse haben Falafel in vielen Varianten und mit zig Beilagen im Angebot. Und das ausgesprochen günstig - Als der Falafel-Imbiß schlechthin gilt Falafel Dan, Ferdinand Bolstraat 126, wo man zur Happy hour zwischen 15 und 17 Uhr unbegrenzt Falafel, Salat und Saucen für nur 5 hfl bekommt.

»Softdrug's paradise«

Eine erstaunliche Zahl: Amsterdam zählt mehr als 380 Coffeeshops, eine in Holland einmalige Lokalvariante. In (fast allen) Coffeeshops stehen Hasch und Marihuana auf der Speisekarte.



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Notwist schaffen mit »Neon Golden« einen Chartseinsiteg auf Platz 10. +++ Refugium Internet: Nachdem TW-6, das einzige landesweit ausgestrahlte Privatfernsehen in Russland, auf Anordnung des russischen Medienministeriums sein Programm einstellen musste, will man verstärkt das Netz nutzen. Die Nachrichten von TW-6 sollen künftig vom Radiosender Moskauer Echo gesendet und ins Internet gestellt werden. Allerdings verfügen nur etwa fünf Prozent der russischen Bevölkerung über einen Internet-Zugang. +++ Infoquelle Internet: Wer heute die einschlägigen Newsseiten besucht, wird auf zahlreiche Zitate Dave Grohls zur neuen Foo Fighters-Platte stoßen. Hier ein paar Kostproben: »I'm just screaming my balls off the whole time. So there's no real melody and there's drums all over the place. But they're not just heavy for the sake of being heavy. They're heavy because of all the energy that went into them, and I think a lot of that came from all the touring we did in the last year-and-a-half.« +++ Und noch eine News in Sachen Foo Fighters: Gitarrist Chris Shiflett hat mit der Band Sugarcult einen Song aufgenommen. »Bouncing Off the Walls« wird auf dem Soundtrack-Album des Films »National Lampoon's Van Wilder« zu hören sein. Einen deutschen Starttermin gibt es für den Film noch nicht. +++ Zum Schluss eine Wiedervereinigung? David Duchovny erwägt, zum Abschluss der »X-Files« als Agent Fox Mulder zurückzukehren. Chris Carter dazu: »David war dem gegenüber aufgeschlossen, und nun kommen die rechtlichen und logistischen Komplikationen.« Wir erinnern uns: Zuletzt klagte Duchovny gegen die Erfolgsserie bezüglich eines Anteiles an den Einnahmen. +++ Slayer gehen jetzt die Suche nach einem neuen Schlagzeuger an. Auf ihrer Homepage soll demnächst eine Liste von zehn Songs veröffentlicht werden, deren Beherrschung jeder Kandidat per Videoband belegen muss. Aus allen Einsendungen wird eine erste Auswahl von potentiellen Schlagzeugern getroffen, die dann zu Vorspielterminen eingeladen werden. +++ Der Knochen kommt auch mal zum Hund: Haven werden in England einige Prelistening-Parties veranstalten. Zu hören gibt es dort das Debüt Album der Band, »Between The Senses«, welches in Deutschland am 2. April erscheinen soll. +++ Ex-Weezer-Bassist Mikey Walsh hat zusammen mit Nate Albert, Joe Sirois und Johnny Rio von den Mighty Mighty Bosstones eine Band namens The Brakes gegründet. Angeblich hat die Combo auch schon ein Album aufgenommen, welches im April in den Staaten veröffentlicht werden soll. +++ Neue Supergroup die Zweite: The Pharcyde und Souls of Mischief haben ihren seit langem geäußerten Worten Taten folgen lassen und sich zusammengetan. Als Almyghty Myghty Pythons haben sie die Single »AMP« fertig. Ein Album soll folgen. +++ Nach bisher unbestätigten Informationen ist Mikey Doling dabei, ein Snot-Live-Album vorzubereiten. Doling, inzwischen bei Soulfly beschäftigt, soll das 1998 in Malibu aufgenommene Material zur Zeit in Malibu abmischen. Snot gelangten zu tragischer Berühmtheit, nachdem ihr Sänger Lynn Strait kurz nach Veröffentlichung des Debütalbums bei einem Autounfall verstarb. Ein Tribut-Album mit Korns Jonathan Davis, Sugar Rays Mark McGrath und System of a Downs Serj Tankian erschien im Jahr 2000. +++ Feeder würdigen ihren Schlagzeuger Jon Lee mit einem Videofile auf der Bandhomepage. Außerdem werden dort in Kürze die Reden, die Lees Bandkollegen auf dessen Beerdigung hielten, auf der Seite gepostet werden. +++ Peggy Lee ist im Alter von 81 verstorben. Wie die Familie bekannt gab, erlag die Jazz-Sängerin in ihrem Haus in Bel Air einem Herzinfarkt.

Leggett Freed!
Freelance writer and book author Vanessa Leggett was released from federal custody in Houston on Jan. 4, after serving 168 days in jail for refusing to testify before a federal grand jury and turn over her research materials. A panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals sitting in Houston (5th Cir.) upheld the July 20 contempt order on August 17, finding journalists do not have a right to refuse to testify before a grand jury. She has asked the U.S. Supreme Court to review the case, but no decision has been made by the high court.
Latest status: Leggett was freed on Jan. 4, but her attorney will still press her appeal with the U.S. Supreme Court.

Erklärungen zu PageRank
PageRank verlässt sich auf die einzigartige demokratische Natur des World Wide Webs, indem es die weitverzweigte Link-Struktur als einen Indikator für die individuelle Einschätzung der Qualität einer Seite nimmt. Der Kern ist dabei, dass Google einen Link von Seite A zu Seite B als ein »Votum« von Seite A für Seite B interpretiert. Aber Google sieht sich mehr als nur das Ausmaß der Zustimmung oder der Links auf einer Seite an; Google analysiert ebenfalls die Seite, die das Votum abgegeben hat. Das Votum von einer Seite, die selber »wichtig« ist, zählt mehr und hilft, andere Seiten »wichtig« zu machen.

NOWHERE FAST
I'd like to drop my trousers to the world
I am a man of means (of slender means)
Each household appliance
Is like a new science in my town
And if the day came when I felt a
Natural emotion
I'd get such a shock I'd probably jump
In the ocean
And when a train goes by
It's such a sad sound
No ...
It's such a sad thing
I'd like to drop my trousers to the Queen
Every sensible child will know what this means
The poor and the needy
Are selfish and greedy on her terms
And if the day came when I felt a
Natural emotion
I'd get such a shock I'd probably jump
In the ocean
And when a train goes by
It's such a sad sound
No ...
It's such a sad thing
And when I'm lying in my bed
I think about life
And I think about death
And neither one particularly appeals to me
And if the day came when I felt a
Natural emotion
I'd get such a shock I'd probably lie
In the middle of the street and die
I'd lie down and die ...
Oh, oh

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Ein Projekt von Alvar Freude und Dragan Espenschied

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe



Der Tragödie erster Teil



Marthens Garten

Margarete. Faust.

MARGARETE:
Versprich mir, Heinrich!

FAUST:
Was ich kann!

MARGARETE:
Nun sag, wie hast du's mit der Religion?
Du bist ein herzlich guter Mann,
Allein ich glaub, du hältst nicht viel davon.

FAUST:
Laß das, mein Kind! Du fühlst, ich bin dir gut;
Für meine Lieben ließ' ich Leib und Blut,
Will niemand sein Gefühl und seine Kirche rauben.

MARGARETE:
Das ist nicht recht, man muß dran glauben.

FAUST:
Muß man?

MARGARETE:
Ach! wenn ich etwas auf dich konnte!
Du ehrst auch nicht die heil'gen Sakramente.

FAUST:
Ich ehre sie.

MARGARETE:
Doch ohne Verlangen.
Zur Messe, zur Beichte bist du lange nicht gegangen.
Glaubst du an Gott?

FAUST:
Mein Liebchen, wer darf sagen: Ich glaub an Gott?
Magst Priester oder Weise fragen,
Und ihre Antwort scheint nur Spott
Über den Frager zu sein.

MARGARETE:
So glaubst du nicht?

FAUST:
Mißhör mich nicht, du holdes Angesicht!
Wer darf ihn nennen?
Und wer bekennen:
»Ich glaub ihn!«?
Wer empfinden,
Und sich unterwinden
Zu sagen: »Ich glaub ihn nicht!«?
Der Allumfasser,
Der Allerhalter,
Faßt und erhält er nicht
Dich, mich, sich selbst?
Wölbt sich der Himmel nicht da droben?
Liegt die Erde nicht hier unten fest?
Und steigen freundlich blickend
Ewige Sterne nicht herauf?
Schau ich nicht Aug in Auge dir,
Und drängt nicht alles
Nach Haupt und Herzen dir,
Und webt in ewigem Geheimnis
Unsichtbar sichtbar neben dir?
Erfüll davon dein Herz, so groß es ist,
Und wenn du ganz in dem Gefühle selig bist,
Nenn es dann, wie du willst,
Nenn's Glück! Herz! Liebe! Gott
Ich habe keinen Namen
Dafür! Gefühl ist alles;
Name ist Schall und Rauch,
Umnebelnd Himmelsglut.

MARGARETE:
Das ist alles recht schön und gut;
Ungefähr sagt das der Pfarrer auch,
Nur mit ein bißchen andern Worten.

FAUST:
Es sagen's allerorten
Alle Herzen unter dem himmlischen Tage,
Jedes in seiner Sprache;
Warum nicht ich in der meinen?

MARGARETE:
Wenn man's so hört, möcht's leidlich scheinen,
Steht aber doch immer schief darum;
Denn du hast kein Christentum.

FAUST:
Liebs Kind!

MARGARETE:
Es tut mir lange schon weh,
Daß ich dich in der Gesellschaft seh.

FAUST:
Wieso?

MARGARETE:
Der Mensch, den du da bei dir hast,
Ist mir in tiefer innrer Seele verhaßt;
Es hat mir in meinem Leben
So nichts einen Stich ins Herz gegeben
Als des Menschen widrig Gesicht.

FAUST:
Liebe Puppe, fürcht ihn nicht!

MARGARETE:
Seine Gegenwart bewegt mir das Blut.
Ich bin sonst allen Menschen gut;
Aber wie ich mich sehne, dich zu schauen,
Hab ich vor dem Menschen ein heimlich Grauen,
Und halt ihn für einen Schelm dazu!
Gott verzeih mir's, wenn ich ihm unrecht tu!

FAUST:
Es muß auch solche Käuze geben.

MARGARETE:
Wollte nicht mit seinesgleichen leben!
Kommt er einmal zur Tür herein,
Sieht er immer so spöttisch drein
Und halb ergrimmt;
Man sieht, daß er an nichts keinen Anteil nimmt;
Es steht ihm an der Stirn geschrieben,
Daß er nicht mag eine Seele lieben.
Mir wird's so wohl in deinem Arm,
So frei, so hingegeben warm,
Und seine Gegenwart schnürt mir das Innre zu.

FAUST:
Du ahnungsvoller Engel du!

MARGARETE:
Das übermannt mich so sehr,
Daß, wo er nur mag zu uns treten,
Mein ich sogar, ich liebte dich nicht mehr.
Auch, wenn er da ist, könnt ich nimmer beten,
Und das frißt mir ins Herz hinein;
Dir, Heinrich, muß es auch so sein.

FAUST:
Du hast nun die Antipathie!

MARGARETE:
Ich muß nun fort.

FAUST:
Ach kann ich nie
Ein Stündchen ruhig dir am Busen hängen
Und Brust an Brust und Seel in Seele drängen?

MARGARETE:
Ach wenn ich nur alleine schlief!
Ich ließ dir gern heut nacht den Riegel offen;
Doch meine Mutter schläft nicht tief,
Und würden wir von ihr betroffen,
Ich wär gleich auf der Stelle tot!

FAUST:
Du Engel, das hat keine Not.
Hier ist ein Fläschchen!
Drei Tropfen nur In ihren Trank umhüllen
Mit tiefem Schlaf gefällig die Natur.

MARGARETE:
Was tu ich nicht um deinetwillen?
Es wird ihr hoffentlich nicht schaden!

FAUST:
Würd ich sonst, Liebchen, dir es raten?

MARGARETE:
Seh ich dich, bester Mann, nur an,
Weiß nicht, was mich nach deinem Willen treibt,
Ich habe schon so viel für dich getan,
Daß mir zu tun fast nichts mehr übrigbleibt. (Ab.)

Mephistopheles tritt auf.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Der Grasaff! ist er weg?

FAUST:
Hast wieder spioniert?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Ich hab's ausführlich wohl vernommen,
Herr Doktor wurden da katechisiert;
Hoff, es soll Ihnen wohl bekommen.
Die Mädels sind doch sehr interessiert,
Ob einer fromm und schlicht nach altem Brauch.
Sie denken: duckt er da, folgt er uns eben auch.

FAUST:
Du Ungeheuer siehst nicht ein,
Wie diese treue liebe Seele
Von ihrem Glauben voll,
Der ganz allein
Ihr seligmachend ist, sich heilig quäle,
Daß sie den liebsten Mann verloren halten soll.

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Du übersinnlicher sinnlicher Freier,
Ein Mägdelein nasführet dich.

FAUST:
Du Spottgeburt von Dreck und Feuer!

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Und die Physiognomie versteht sie meisterlich:
In meiner Gegenwart wird's ihr, sie weiß nicht wie,
Mein Mäskchen da weissagt verborgnen Sinn;
Sie fühlt, daß ich ganz sicher ein Genie,
Vielleicht wohl gar der Teufel bin.
Nun, heute nacht-?

FAUST:
Was geht dich's an?

MEPHISTOPHELES:
Hab ich doch meine Freude dran!

nun, und sie hatten einander nichts mehr zu sagen,


erst du mir,






und jetzt fällt mir auch nichts mehr ein,

















































































































































































nun ....












































































































































hier unten kommt nichts mehr



































































































































































warum hast du weiter geschaut?













































































weil du dachtest, hier käme noch text?



















































































































ja, so kanns gehn




















































































































und ...

INTRODUCTION

ACT I

Melee Island
Pirate Attack
Stop the Catapult
Getting A Crew

Lucre Island
Law Office
The Robbery
Duplicating the Scent
Catching Pegnose
Finding the Loot

ACT II

Melee Again
The Blue Painting

Jambalaya Island
Transmogrification Academy
Starbucaneer's
Stan's Time Shares
Silver Monkey Head
The Golden Man
The Bronze Hat

ACT III

Monkey Island
The Milk Bottle
The Accordion
Gubernatorial Symbol
Monkey Kombat
Giant Monkey Robot

ACT III+

Melee Island
Kicking Large Butt





INTRODUCTION

Revision 11/30/00- The sequence of events on Jambalaya Island were incorrect. You could not successfully complete the quest for the Golden Man because you first must obtain the Dunce Cap from the Pirate Transmogrificatiion Academy. The steps in Act II have been corrected.

Thanks to Jan Philipp Giel for bringing this to our attention.

A Word About Control - EMI has no in-game mouse control. Guybrush is controlled with the keyboard, a joystick, or a gamepad. If you choose to use the keyboard for control make sure you have the joystick/gamepad disabled. You can do this by pressing the F1 key during game play then choosing »O« to display the Options menu. If the joystick/gamepad is not disabled Guybrush can act strangely and be hard to control with the arrow keys. Our hero can exhibit such strange behavior like walking in circles or repeatedly entering and exiting buildings without any input from you. Finally, you may have to do as I did on my system, physically unplug the joystick/gamepad from the computer since disabling them from the options menu did not completely turn them off. Once the joystick/gamepad was physically disabled, control of Guybrush was normal and without incident.

Directions - In this walkthrough, North, South, East and West means the top, bottom, right and left edges of the screen.

Participating In Insult Sports - To win an insult contest you must give an insult that your opponent cannot answer correctly. Stump your opponent enough times and you win. Guybrush always gives the first insult. The opponent then responds with an answer. If the answer is correct, the opponent immediately flings an insult back to Guybrush who must answer correctly. If Guybrush answers correctly then the sequence starts over with Guybrush being able to offer another insult. However, each insult must be one not previously used by either contestant.

If one of the contestants gives a loser answer he loses the chance to offer a new insult. This is how you can tell you're winning. You can give another insult without having to answer one in return. Trip up your opponent enough times and Guybrush wins the contest.

Click here for a list of the insults and their proper answers:



ACT I
THINGS TO DO ON MELEE ISLAND WHEN YOU'RE DEAD

PIRATE ATTACK

1. Pirates attack Guybrush and Elaine as they return from their honeymoon. Guybrush finds himself lashed to the mainmast.

2. Turn Guybrush and use the »U« key to kick over the brazier of hot coals then »P« to pick one up. Kick the hot coal to the loaded cannon on the right side of the screen.

3. As Elaine leaves to go to the courthouse, she gives Guybrush instructions to stop the catapult and then get to her lawyers on Lucre Island.



MELEE ISLAND

STOP THE CATAPULT
1. Talk to the pirate operating the catapult. Notice that the funny-looking cactus to the right of the mansion resembles a slingshot without the sling.

2. Go South through the arch and walk to Melee Town.

3. Continue East to another screen and enter the SCUMM Bar.

4. Walk to the back of the bar. In the right rear corner is a drunk with a birthday balloon and a bowl of jerky pretzels on his table. Guybrush needs the pretzels but the drunk prevents him from taking them. Look at the balloon so you can mention it to the dart players later.

5. Go back to the front of the bar and talk to the dart players. Ask them about the holes in the wall around the dartboard so they will offer to show you their skill. Bet them that they can't hit the balloon. When they do, go to the drunk's table and pick up the bowl of jerky pretzels and put them in inventory. Be careful not to eat the pretzels instead of putting them away.

6. Leave the SCUMM bar, go east and Walk To Melee Island to bring up the map. Go SW to the Harbor. Talk to the Lady of Leisure, the Harbor Mistress, and discover you don't have authority to get a ship. Pick up the popped inner tube from the ground by the grog machine.

7. Go back to the Governor's Mansion and use the popped inner tube on the cactus that looks like a slingshot to really make it a slingshot.

8. Give the jerky pretzels to the pirate operating the catapult. When the pirate leaves to eat the pretzels, tinker with the catapult controls.

9. After the catapult is destroyed watch the cut scene with Elaine and Charles L. Charles, the candidate who will be running for governor against Elaine. Follow Elaine into the mansion.

GETTING A CREW
1. Go to the table by Elaine, pick up the government job contract form and give it to her. After she signs it talk to her and mention that Guybrush is having a little trouble getting a ship without authority to requisition one. She will give Guybrush the Gubernatorial Symbol.

2. Go to the east side of the room and get the government paper from the china cabinet. If you walk away from the cabinet and look at the contract before putting it in inventory, you'll discover it's a Melee Government Employment Contract - Cushy Edition. Give it to Elaine to have it signed.

3. Return to Melee Town and talk to the two familiar looking pirates near the bookstore again. After you get Guybrush to recognize them as Carla, the Swordmaster of Melee Island, and Otis, keep after them to join the crew. Offer them cushy government jobs and when Carla says they want contracts, give them the signed cushy government contract. They agree to join the crew.

4. Go to the SCUMM Bar and talk to the Crusty Sailor, Ignatius Cheese, at the table next to the drunk's. Ignatius is the owner of the SCUMM bar as well as the navigator Guybrush needs for his crew. Soak up all the local color you can stand then get him to join the crew by challenging and beating him at a game of insult arm wrestling. For a shortcut through the dialogue pick sentences 1,3,1,1,2,1,1. To win the arm wrestling, see the section titled »Participating in Insult Sports« at the beginning of the walkthrough.

5. After winning the insult arm wrestling, return to the Harbor and use the Gubernatorial Symbol on the Harbor Mistress. She gives you a ship, The Dainty Lady. The crew arrives and Guybrush is off to Lucre Island »in search of high adventure and a legally binding restraining order.«



LUCRE ISLAND

LAW OFFICE
1. Go NE and climb the stairs. If you try to enter the Bait Shoppe Guybrush suggests you go to the Law Office first. So, go west between the Town Square and the Hall of Justice, turn west again and you will be in front of the Law Office of W.T.D.

2. The lawyers give Guybrush a copy of Grandpa Marley's will. There is a safe deposit chest in the Lucre Bank that contains the deed to the Governor's Mansion and the »most terrifying secret of the Caribbean, the ultimate insult.« Talk to the lawyers again and they tell Guybrush to get the deed. If you go through all the dialogue you can hear some cute lawyer jokes.

THE ROBBERY AND DISCOVERING THE ROBBER'S IDENTITY
1. Leave the office and go next door to the bank. Before you go inside, notice the window on the top floor is open. Inside the bank you see Ozzie, the Bad Guy, having trouble cashing an Australian traveler's check. When he snaps his cane and leaves, talk to the Bank Teller, Brittany. Go through the dialogue and tell her you want to get the deposit chest.

2. While Guybrush is in the vault a masked man posing as Guybrush robs the bank. He comes into the vault, confronts Guybrush, and takes off the mask. Notice he has either a little or no nose. He then takes the chest and locks Guybrush in the vault.

3. Once Guybrush is alone in the vault:

Pick up the old sword and the medium sea sponge from the table.
Pick up the large sea sponge from the floor behind the table.
Look in the cubicle in the wall where the safe-deposit chest was stored. Take the music box and the bottle of fine grog.
Pick up the handkerchief from the floor in front of the door.
Pick up the small sea sponge that is under the handkerchief.

4. Now:

Use the old sword on the bottom hinge of the door.
Use the broken sword with the crack.
Use all three sea sponges on the crack.
Use the bottle of fine grog with the sponge-filled crack.

5. In the confusion that follows the opening of the vault door, Guybrush is arrested for the robbery and taken to jail. He now has the »Voodoo Anklet of Extreme Discomfort« on his ankle, so he can't leave Lucre Island, and must clear himself of the false charges.

6. Go to the Iron Maiden and pick up the tin of chicken grease. Talk to the pirate in the cell. It's Otis. He's been arrested for picking flowers somewhere.

7. Talk to Inspector Canard. Guybrush discovers that the real bandit is probably Pegnose Pete and to clear himself he must: catch the real perpetrator, recover the loot, and come up with evidence to back his story up.

8. Return to the bank. The manager is standing outside. Talk to him. Guybrush finds that the bank is closed because it's the scene of a crime and the manager won't allow anyone inside. Take the hint about the open window to heart. That will be the way in, but how?

9. Go to the side of the bank and look at the manhole. Use the broken sword on the manhole. Look at the manhole cover. Write down what is scratched inside: »Mindy loves Fred - Larry loves Mindy.« These names may be different for different games and you'll need to know them later.

10. Since the robber has no nose, perhaps he's gotten a false one from the Palace of Prostheses. Go west to the Palace of Prostheses and talk to the guy with two eyepatches. You find out he's named Deadeye Dave and has a keen sense of smell and can identify customers by their scent. Use the handkerchief the robber left in the vault on Deadeye and discover Deadeye's nose is stuffed up. The smell will have to be amplified somehow.

11. Now use the handkerchief with Guybrush and you discover:

It is monogrammed with the initials »PP«
It smells of hickory smoked fish
It smells of flowers growing in a cesspool
It smells of fish snot
It smells like a corpse floating in a bog
It smells like a lumberjack wiped his arm pits with it
It has the faintest wiff of something nice

These are the scents Guybrush must reproduce for Dave to identify the name Pegnose has been using at the shop.

12. Asking about the no-nose pirate draws a blank but you also discover that even if Dave had a name he couldn't get the records from the filing system because Pongo, the trained monkey that operates the filing system, has run off.

13. Tell Dave you're looking for some gifts - free ones. When Deadeye tells you the story use the names you found on the manhole cover as answers. Answer correctly and Deadeye will give you Prosthetic Skin.

14. Play the music box for Deadeye Dave. Before it stops playing go to the window and steal the wooden prosthetic hand from the first basket on the left. You must be quick. If the music stops before you get the hand, Deadeye will hear you and prevent you from stealing the hand.

15. Return to the manhole outside the bank. Use the Prosthetic Skin with the manhole then use the skin stretched over the manhole. Guybrush will bounce through the open window into the bank.

16. Go down the ladder and use the pull-chain. When the lights go on, face west and notice the strange nose-shaped shadow cast upon the wall at the end of the balcony.

17. Go to the desk in the lower left corner and pick up the ScupperWare.

18. Climb the ladder, walk around the balcony and look at the strange shadow. Guybrush finds a prosthetic nose. Inspector Canard arrives and takes the nose as evidence.

19. Exit through the window. Go east from the bank to the scene with the town square then east from there to the House of Sticks.

20. Ozzie enters the House of Sticks right after Guybrush and picks up a new stick to replace the one he broke in the bank. Pick up the wood shavings left behind from Ozzie's stick. Talk to Freddie and find out: Pegnose is the greatest pirate thief on Lucre Island, probably lives in the marsh, and is afraid of ducks. Supposedly a duck pecked his nose off.

DUPLICATING THE SCENT
1. Leave the House of Sticks and go west to the perfume stand. Pick up the cologne from the counter. Talk to the annoying perfume pusher, Hugo. You learn, among other things, that Hugo saw Pegnose run by heading towards the deepest forests of Lucre Island. Pick up an empty spritzer bottle from the pile near the edge of the building. Use the empty spritzer bottle with the wood shavings to make homemade perfume (Cedar Cologne).

2. Leave the perfume stand and go east to the Bait Shoppe. Pick up the duck that's walking around in front of the Bait Shoppe. Go inside and talk to the Salty Old Cur and hear his version of how Pegnose lost his nose (school of fish bit it off), and that Pegnose probably lives in the marsh and no one can navigate the marsh.

3. Go to the free bait cabinet and use the homemade perfume on the free bait. Pick up the free bait. Go into inventory and combine the free bait with the ScupperWare.

4. Use the wooden prosthetic hand with the termite circus that's to the right of the free bait cabinet.

5. Go west to the Law Office and leave town through the gateway under the arch that's between the Law Office and Lucre Bank.

6. Go north to the Mystes O' Tyme marsh. Notice the raft and the puddle. Use the homemade perfume with the puddle then leave the swamp.

7. Go west to the foreboding mansion, Ozzie's place. Pick the flower by the fountain and combine the flower with the homemade perfume.

8. Enter the creepy mansion and begin a conversation with Ozzie. End the conversation soon as you can and spray the stuffed platypus at Ozzie's feet with the cologne (not the homemade perfume). Ozzie gets angry - »You've befouled my platypus!« - breaks his cane and stomps off to order a new one.

9. Return to town to the House of Sticks and use the termite-infested prosthetic hand on Ozzie's new cane. It's in the rack to the right of the entrance. Ozzie then comes in, picks up his new cane and leaves, dribbling a trail of sawdust behind him. You'll need this trail later to follow Ozzie.

FINDING AND CATCHING PEGNOSE
1. Go back to Deadeye Dave in the Palace of Prostheses. Spray him with the homemade perfume. Make a note of the name he tells you. Ours was »Yahootie P. Everywhere.« Yours will probably be different. Guybrush must now operate the filing system and retrieve this card to get the directions through the marsh.

2. Twiddle with the file retrieval system controls and look at the three dials. Don't touch anything yet. Each dial has five faces with a picture on each face. Each face stands for a group of letters.

Face 1 (bunny) = A-D
Face 2 (palm tree) = E-H
Face 3 (pumpkin) = I-M
Face 4 (monkey) = N-S
Face 5 (bananas) = T-Z

3. You must spin the dials so the three faces on top show the letter groups in which the three initials of the name Guybrush was given are contained. Then you must press the red button right of the dials to retrieve the file.

4. In our case the initials are »YPE«. All dials start out with face 1 on top. The first dial is spun so face 5 (bananas) is on top. The second dial is spun to face 4 (monkey) and the third dial to face 2 (palm tree). The red button is pressed and Guybrush gets a document containing the directions to Pegnose Pete's house. Remember, the name you were given will probably be different, therefore you'll have to spin the dials based on the three initials of your name - not the initials used here as an example.

5. The directions written on the card will be two columns of numbers, one a time, the other a direction, in the form of »12:10 E« or »12:15 W«. There will be eight entries. Write the directions down. They are randomly generated each time the game is played. Yours will be different than mine. The directions will be needed to get through the marsh later. The file will be in Guybrush's inventory, of course, and can be looked at anytime, but they're easier to use written down since you won't be switching in and out of inventory each time a direction is needed.

6. Go to the center of town and talk to Brittany. She's standing in front of the fountain. There's no point in it but it's slightly funny. Leave Brittany and go East to the Bait Shoppe then South to the docks. Once on the docks go to the far west end and you'll find two pirates playing chess.

7. To get through the marsh Guybrush needs the timer the chess players are using. They won't let you take the clock so Guybrush must distract them both. Talk to the portly pirate chess player. Start the conversation with any sentence, then use number 5 then number 4. The number 4 sentence will always distract the pirate from the game. If he's distracted enough, the pirate will let go of his chess piece and his partner will force him to use it as a move. You may have to use sentence 4 to distract the pirate several times before he actually lets go of the piece.

8. Once the portly pirate has been distracted talk to his partner, the skinny pirate. Open the conversation with any sentence then distract him with sentence 4 (something about Brittany). Distract the skinny pirate until he drops his piece and the portly pirate forces him to use that as a move. Both pirates begin throwing chess pieces and calling each other names. When you get control of Guybrush, take the clock.

9. Go back through town and exit through the archway between the bank and the law office. Go to the marsh, use the raft, then use the clock. Now it can get confusing so you should probably save the game here.

10. The clock face appears on the lower right of your screen. Look at the time the clock face displays. Look at the directions you found on the file you got from Deadeye Dave. Find the time listed in the directions that corresponds to the time on the clock face and move the raft off the screen in the direction printed next to the time.

11. Each time you enter a new screen, check the time and move off screen in the direction corresponding to the new time. Continue in this way until you get to a gate where there's a Guybrush double, a future Guybrush.

12. Move to the gate and Guybrush will give you a key. Ask him who he is. Write down the answer he gives (different each time). He then gives you two items. These are also different each time. Note what they are so you can find them in inventory later.

13. Choose »Open gate« then talk to him. Write down the number he gives you then unlock the gate with the skeleton key that you should now have in inventory. Before you move through the gate Guybrush will give you a third item. The three items are usually the same; a rope, a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle, and a gun. However, the order in which they're given is different each time.

14. Go through the gate and continue following instructions until you come to the gate again. Give Guybrush the key, answer his question with the answer he gave you earlier (the question was »Who are you?«). Now give him the first two objects he gave you in the order they were given. You can find them in inventory already in the correct order. He then asks you for a number. Answer with the number he gave you earlier. If all is done correctly a little scene runs and you're left alone in the mist standing on the raft. Continue following the directions given by the clock until you get to the house of Pegnose.

15. Walk up the pier to the house and trigger the scene of Guybrush eavesdropping on a conversation between Pegnose and Ozzie.

16. Use the chicken grease on the doormat then use the duck on the window. Voila! Pegnose is captured.

FINDING THE LOOT FROM THE BANK
1. Meanwhile, back at the jail, Guybrush isn't entirely cleared even though he has captured Pegnose. It's off to confront Ozzie. Go west from the jail and exit town. Take the trail to Ozzie's mansion and go inside.

2. Accuse him of hiring Pegnose to frame Guybrush for the robbery. When Ozzie asks what Pegnose's Booty Showcase looks like say it has »Lots of booty.«

3. When Ozzie leaves follow him into the forest. You can keep up by following the sawdust trail the termites in his cane leave behind.

4. Go East then North around behind the little hill from which Ozzie came and climb down the hidden passage into the booty showroom.

5. Look around the showroom. Use the red button on the edge of the dining table to draw back the curtain from the unbreakable window. Behind the window are the bank booty and the Marley heirlooms.

6. Go back up the ladder and dive into the deep water north of the hill.

7. Get the ScupperWare ready and open it when the bioluminescent fish swim by. Once a fish is trapped inside the ScupperWare, Guybrush has a handy lantern.

8. Go west through the secret entrance and find the heirlooms and treasure on a little island. Pick up the heirlooms and treasure as well as the itty-bitty brass screw that falls from the chest.

9. Leave the cave and walk up the east side of the next screen to get to shore. Go around the hill to the West and return to Melee Town and the Hall of Justice.

10. Show the brass screw to Inspector Canard. Guybrush is cleared, he collects his crew and heads back to Melee Island.



ACT II
ENTER THE MANATEE

MELEE ISLAND AGAIN

THE BLUE PAINTING
1. Talk to Elaine after the animation runs. Elaine decides that she should take care of LeChuck, Guybrush should take care of Ozzie Mandrill and the Ultimate Insult. Guybrush should start by talking to the voodoo Lady.

2. Leave the mansion, go to Melee Town and into the International House of Mojo.

3. Go to the hand-shaped table and pull the finger next to the thumb (it's just identified as »finger« in the dialog). The mirror on the east side of the room will spin around and the Voodoo Lady will appear.

4. Ask the Voodoo Lady everything you can about the Ultimate Insult then about the Marley heirlooms. Lastly, ask what Guybrush is supposed to do with the wedding presents.

5. Go east through town and exit to Meelee Island. Notice the SCUMM Bar has been renamed the LUA Bar. Take the trail north to Meathook's House of Wax.

6. Disturb Meathook at is work then deny the rumors of Guybrush's death. Ask about the candles then exit the conversation. Take a paintbrush from the bucket Meathook showed you then leave.

7. Take the trail to the harbor. Check out the coin return slot of the grog machine. Take the quarter and use it in the machine. Now kick, punch, shake and yell at the machine. Take a can of grog from the pile that falls out.

8. Return to Melee Town and enter the LUA Bar. Go to the rear of the bar to where the little ships are floating in channels. Talk to the patron then return to the lower level and sit at an empty stool.

9. Talk to the waitress then order something to eat; something cooked. You'll get the flaming scuttlefish. Get the paintbrush out of inventory and get ready. When the flaming boat comes down the channel, jam the paintbrush in the sushi boat propulsion mechanism. You should time it so the flaming boat stops just under the picture on the wall after the boat has turned the corner and is on its way back to the kitchen. When the cook comes out to investigate, run into the kitchen and use the can of grog on the sushi boat steam generator. If you've stopped the boat in the correct position you'll see an animation and be presented with the ruined »blue picture«--a map of the tri-island area. If you were unsuccessful the cook catches you in the kitchen and throws you out. Try again. The cook leaves the paintbrush on the bar near the stool and you have enough grog for one more try. If you fail the second time, you'll have to return to the harbor for another can of grog.

10. Look at the picture in inventory by using the »L« key. On the back of the painting is a depiction of the the parts that make up the Ultimate Insult. It's made up of:

a silver monkey head
a bronze hat
a golden man

11. After you get the picture go back to the docks and walk to the Dainty Lady. Look at the figurehead. Pierced ears? Is that enough clue for you? Use the earrings, necklace, pen, and painting on the figurehead in that order.

12. After the animation involving the figurehead, Elaine comes and reclaims the Gubernatorial Symbol. The crew is now off to Jambalaya Island.



JAMBALAYA ISLAND

PIRATE TRANSMOGRIFICATION ACADEMY
1.Use the community rowboat and go east to Knuttin Atoll. End the conversation with Admiral Casaba quickly as you can and leave. Land at the pirate shantytown on the southern coast of the atoll.

2. Go north to the big blue and white Pirate Transmogrification Academy. Talk to the teacher and get Guybrush enrolled.

3. When the final exam arrives give the most piratey answers available to the three questions so Guybrush will fail the course.

4. Once back on the doorstep, and in possession of the dunce cap, use the fire alarm on the right side of the building. When Miss Rivers leaves, run inside and get the whistle from the toy chest before she returns. It may be difficult to get Guybrush to see the whistle. You may have to pick up a Pirate Trading Card first. I didn't, but you might. If you fail to find the card before Miss Rivers returns, you can always use the fire alarm again.

5. Go to the center of the atoll and visit the puppet theater. There you can talk to Hellbeard, the last pirate to be victim of the Ultimate Insult. Keep going through the dialog until you can talk to the little Guybrush puppet, then to the puppeteer.

6. End the conversation with the puppeteer (Hellbeard) and quickly use the blue painting on him before he ducks back down behind the curtain. After he runs away, pick up both the puppets.

7. Return to the rowboat and go back to Jambalaya Island.

STARBUCANEER'S
1. Walk left from the ship, go up the stairs and into town.

2. Go to Starbucaneer's. It's the big building in the bottom center. Go to the window and look at the empty groggoccino cup. Go inside, turn to Guybrush's left and get the empty cup from the plants in the planter.

3. Stand near the tourist lady in the center of the room and look into her bag. Take the StarBuccaneer's logo mug.

4. Visit the counter and use the empty groggoccino cup (from the window) on the clerk to get a free refill.

5. At the west end of the counter is a tray of mini-bagels with Schmear Whiz on them. Take one. They're free.

6. Eat the bagel (horrible!) and put the remains in inventory. Leave the shop.

STAN'S TIME SHARE
1. Head north for the stairs and leave town. Follow the trail SE to the Stan's Time Share.

2. Get a pamphlet from the stack of pamphlets on the desk.

3. Take the jar of glue from under the window that's left of the door to the house.

4. Stand in front of the desk and prepare to talk to Stan. Drink the cup of groggoccino then talk to Stan. Ask about real estate until you're offered the choices of »Gimme the pitch!« or »I'm not interested.« Choose the pitch. When it's done you get a Planet Threepwood coupon. Without the groggoccino, Guybrush falls asleep during the pitch and doesn't get the coupon.

SILVER MONKEY HEAD
1. Go back to town and run a few errands. Get the empty groggoccino cut refilled at Starbucaneers.

2. Go to the center of town to the statue of Tiny LaFeet. Compliment the tourist there on his ensemble then ask him what he's doing. Find out all you can about Tiny LaFeet. Notice the hat's been taken from the statue.

3. Go to the micro-groggery and talk to the bartender. Ask for a drink and he gives you a mug of Grog Jr.--just enough alcohol to »stun a skinny parrot.« You can also talk to Carla and ride the mechaical manatee, neither of which is required.

4. Go inside Planet Threepwood and read the specials from the board near the door. Enter the restaurant section, go to the rear and talk to the waitress. Order some food and when she asks how you'll pay, choose the Mega Monkey Meal Ticket.

5. While you're sitting with your free Monkey Mug, talk to the Jolly Pirate and get a free Pirate Caricature. Answer anything you like to the questions he asks Guybrush during the drawing. The object is only to get the caricature.

6. Combine the caricature with the glue then the glued caricature with the StarBuccaneer's Logo Mug to make a fake Monkey Mug. Use the fake Monkey Mug with the Monkey Mug and you have the Silver Monkey Head.

THE GOLDEN MAN
1. Leave town to the map of the island and go SW to the tall rock.

2. Talk to the diver, Marco DePollo, until you can ask about joining the competition then have Guybrush say he would like to dive against Marco. When Marco tells Guybrush to go to the judges and get certified end the conversation.

3. Face the table and use the juicy wad of chewed up bagel chunks and Schmear Whiz with the baby seal oil. Go north from Marco and turn west. Follow the boardwalk to the judges.

4. There are three judges: the hippie judge, the grouchy judge and the wise old judge. Have Guybrush tell them he wants to compete. He gets a physical and is certified.

5. When Guybrush is certified, send him back to tell Marco. Marco dives then you gain control of Guybrush at the end of the plank. Just run him off the end.

6. Guybrush gets low scores and Marco wins. Talk to the grouchy judge and ask him why he is giving you such low scores. After he says he's paid to make sure Marco wins, examine the pamphlet you got from Stan's timeshares. My, my! Use the pamphlet on the grouchy judge. Next time he'll judge more fairly.

7. Ask the hippie judge what was wrong with the last dive. He tells you there are four types of dives:

Keelhaul - done by pressing the up arrow key
Rum Barrel - done by pressing the down arrow key
Spinning Swordsman - done by pressing the right arrow key
Alpha Monkey - done by pressing the left arrow key

Guybrush must watch what Marco does and match his dive combination. Go back and tell Marco you want to compete again.

8. Watch what combination Marco does and match it. For instance if he does an Alpha Monkey, Spinning Swordsman, Alpha Monkey combination you must duplicate it. Have Guybrush put on the dunce cap you got from the academy to satisfy the middle judge. Move Guybrush along the plank until he starts moving by himself then quickly enter the arrow key combination that will duplicate Marco's combination. In our example here it would be: left arrow, right arrow, left arrow. If you use the arrow keys on the numeric pad, make sure numlock is off. If Guybrush is successful, he will tie Marco.

9. The tiebreaker dive is easy. Guybrush goes first and Marco has to match Guybrush's moves. Just make up a combination. Guybrush will win. After all, he did sabotage Marco's seal oil.

THE BRONZE HAT
1. Return to the dock and use the community rowboat and go east to Knuttin Atoll. Land at the pirate shantytown on the southern coast of the atoll.

2. Walk east along the beach. Talk to the pirate with two parrots. -Ask about the parrots and find out one always lies, one always tells the truth. -Tell him he's awfully large and ask if he's any relation to Tiny LaFeet.

Ask more about his father, especially about the »friendly« part.
Ask what happened to Tiny's statue.

3. Now Guybrush knows Tiny's hat was buried under a boulder on the beach, but under which one? Walk east into the boulder field.

4. Guybrush can use the parrots to help him. Use the whistle you got from the academy and the parrots come and land on the boulder in front of Guybrush. Use the groggoccino on one parrot and the wimpy grog on the other. Notice each parrot is now sort of dancing, one fast, one slow. This is how you will be able to tell them apart.

5 Ask each parrot the same question, what's two plus two? The one that answers correctly is the truth telling parrot. From now on only talk to the truthful parrot.

6. Ask him if he's sitting on the rock under which the hat is buried. If he says, »no«, then ask, »Which way should I go to find Tiny's hat?« Follow the directions to the next screen. Blow the whistle to call the birds then question the truthful bird again. Continue in this fashion until you've found the hat. Make sure you're always talking to the truthful parrot. They will switch positions to confuse you.

7. Well, here the game slows to an absolute crawl. It took seven tries to find the correct boulder. When the correct boulder is found, use the two puppets. Use any of the sentences available. The purpose is to get »three« pirates together so Admiral Casaba will shoot at them with his cannon thereby shattering the boulder enabling Guybrush to get the hat.

8. In the following animation, more of the plot is revealed and Guybrush is relieved of the pieces of the Ultimate Insult.



ACT III
ESCAPE FROM MONKEY ISLAND

MONKEY ISLAND

THE MILK BOTTLE
1. After the animation walk south along the beach to bring up the map of Monkey Island. Guybrush will be on the lower left portion of the map. He's kind of hard to see.

2. Go north on the map just a little ways and you'll find a lean-to and a pirate, Herman Toothrot.

3. Pick up the coconut by the lean-to then talk to Herman. Go through the dialog then throw the coconut at him. This restores part of his memory. Ask again what's the first thing he remembers. If you get a story about the amusement park and dormant volcano, you can end the conversation and go back the way you came.

4. Hike north and east to the canyon. You'll find a cactus on the right edge of the screen. Get the banana picker that's leaning against it. Ignore the mine entrance for now. Guybrush will go there towards the end of the game.

5. Return to the map and head NW to the lava fields. When you arrive you see the mischievous Timmy throw the milk bottle you're after out onto an island in the lava stream. Notice the castle above the lava flow.

6. Exit this screen back to the map. Just east of the lava field is a trail going up a ramp that leads to the castle. If you put Guybrush properly upon the path he'll climb and you'll get a screen showing the castle, called a cathedral on this screen.

7. Enter the cathedral. Turn around and face the door until you see »Look at shields.« Use the banana picker to get the two tiny shields that serve as eyes for the skull.

8. Go south over the bridge and talk to Father Allegro Rasputin. Go through the dialog and keep asking about the lava until you can ask to try the lava plunge. Permission will be refused at first, but keep after it and Guybrush will succeed.

9. Soon as you can, get the banana picker out of inventory and steer the boat with the arrow keys. Your goal is to go past the island near the top of the screen and snag the milk bottle with the picker as you go by. You navigate the channels and knock the logs against each other until you can enter the channel that goes past the island with the milk bottle. When you do it correctly you'll get a close-up view that allows you to use the banana picker easily.

10. Exit the lava puzzle by going under the bridge at the left side of the screen. Go back to Herman and hit him with the milk bottle and ask him what's the earliest thing he remembers now. It turns out to be an accordion.

THE ACCORDION
1. Go to Vista Point. It's the hill on the west side of the island. On the top you get a view that looks sort of looks like one of those ant farms in a glass case. There are three canals. Go to the pile of rocks and pick one up. Throw the rock at the canal on the right side of the cliff and watch what it happens. Notice that somewhere along its path it passes a root that wiggles. After what seems like a long time with nothing happening, you see the boulder shoot out of a hole and land near the mine. Drop rocks down the other two channels to see what happens.

2. OK, here's the drill: -Throw a rock down the right-hand channel, when it reaches the root -Throw a rock down the middle channel, when it reaches the root -Throw a rock down the left channel, when it reaches a root -Throw another rock down the left channel.

3. At the bottom of the screen are three exits for the rocks. By using the passage of the rocks past the roots, you can gauge when to throw the succeeding rocks. The rolling of the rocks must be timed so that two of them collide at the intersection of the three exits. Two rocks must go down the center exit and one rock each down the left and right exits. If done correctly you see a scene of a rock landing in the lava field. Don't give up, it's tedious work but it can be done.

4. Go back to the cathedral and ask to do the lava ride again. This time steer the boat into the little lava pool by the bridge and get out.

5. Climb up to the left and use the palm tree. Guybrush will kick it over and make a bridge across the lava flow. Go back to the lava pool then go east over the bridge.

6. Head east then north to Monkey Town. A monkey guards the intersection leading to the town. You must wait until he's out of the way, heading east, then run through the intersection and up the path toward town. If the monkey catches you, you get stuck in a clearing with only one way to go, back to the island map. Then you'll have to try again.

7. Once in the village talk to JoJo Jr., the monkey sitting on the barrel. Go through the entire dialog tree and learn about the Hat of Honor and Monkey Kombat. Don't challenge the talking monkey to combat yet. That will be done later.

8. Go a little west to the hut. The monkey sitting in the doorway on the middle level has the accordion. Get the shields from inventory and pick »use shields.« The monkey will come down and exchange the accordion for the shields (cymbals).

SECOND GUBERNATORIAL SYMBOL
1. Return to Herman by going over the bridge at the lava pit then over the palm tree. Hit him with the accordion. You hear the story of how Ozzie found the Caribbean and discover that Herman is actually Grandpa Marley.

2. Keep talking to Grandpa Marley until he gives Guybrush the second Gubernatorial Symbol.

MONKEY KOMBAT
1. Now we're ready for Monkey Kombat. This part of the game can be very frustrating and at first look seems almost impossible. However, stay with it and you will persevere. Monkey Kombat includes the following basics:

The Five Stances:

Anxious Ape (AA)
Bobbing Baboon (BB)
Charging Chimp (CC)
Drunken Monkey (DM)
Gimpy Gibbon (GG)

Each stance will defeat two other stances. F'rinstance, AA may defeat DM and GG. I say may, because what beats what is determined each time a game is started from scratch. The rules do NOT change between individual combats.

2. The Four Monkey Insults:

Ack (A)
Eek (E)
Oop (O)
Chee (C)

3. To change your present stance, or move from one pose to another, to attain a stance superior to the opponent's, and thereby win, you utter three insults. Choosing Ack, Eek, Oop might change your stance from Drunken Monkey to Charging Chimp. However, it's a little more complicated than that.

4. What combination of insults produces what stance is also randomly generated at the start of the game. Plus, you have to take into account what stance you are moving from. If you are presently in the Drunken Monkey stance and you want to change to Anxious Ape, you might use ACE. However, if you're in the Gimpy Gibbon stance and use ACE, you might change to the Bobbing Baboon stance. The insult combinations also work in reverse. If ACE changes you from Drunken Monkey to Anxious Ape, it will also change you from Anxious Ape to Drunken Monkey.

How Combat Works
1. Each opponent has a health bar made up of banana symbols. Lower your opponent's health to zero and you win. The present stance is also listed near each opponent.

2. In the lower right hand corner of the screen, under Guybrush, is a compass-like symbol representing the arrow keys on the keyboard. The four directions are labeled Ack, Oop, Eek, Chee, the four monkey insults. An insult is said by pressing the arrow key corresponding to the insult. For example, pressing the up arrow will force Guybrush to say, »Ack.« Press the left arrow key and he will say, »Chee.« Pressing three keys in succession will string together three insults and Guybrush will change his stance to match the insult string. You will then see the results of the stance change, win or loose.

3. Turns are alternating, usually with the monkey going first. During the monkey's turn the insult compass will be turned off. It will be on when it's Guybrush's turn. So, a match may go like this: The stance the monkey is using is listed above his head. He says three insults which change his stance to counter that of Guybrush. The monkey's stance changes and you see what stance he changed to plus whether or not it defeats Guybrush's stance. The insult compass is activated for Guybrush's turn. Notice the stances of the opponents. If the monkey is assuming the Drunken Monkey stance and Guybrush is holding the Gimpy Gibbon stance, you must utter the three curses that moves Guybrush from the Gimpy Gibbon stance to one that will defeat the Drunken Monkey stance. Tap out the three insults with the arrow keys and you will see the results.

4. Once in awhile a foul will be declared. Other than being for an invalid combination of curses, I've never been able to figure out the exact reasons. A few times I've used curses that worked previously only to have them declared foul. It's not game stopping, but it does sometimes tip the balance to your opponent. You'll just have to work through it.

Practice Combat
1. Before you're ready to challenge JoJo for his hat, you should practice with other monkeys. You can find these monkeys on the map of Monkey Island near the intersection of the east-west trail with the trail that leads to Monkey Town. Walk up to the monkeys on the map and the scene will change to a clearing. Talk to the monkey and Kombat is automatically started.

2. You should make two charts. The first should show what other two stances a single stance beats, like DM defeats AA and GG, CC beats BB and DM. Do this for all five stances and you'll have a listing of what each stance will beat.

3. The second chart should be of the insults and what stance they change to and from. For instance you might list: CC to DM = AOC, which means that to move from the Charging Chimp stance to the Drunken Monkey stance, use the insults Ack, Oop, Chee. So, if during Kombat Guybrush is in the Charging Chimp stance and his opponent is in the Drunken Monkey stance, you would look in the first chart to find out what stances defeat Drunken Monkey. Then you would look in the chart of curses to see what curses are used to move from the Charging Chimp stance to whatever stance defeats the Drunken Monkey.

4. That's really it. Challenge the monkeys and write down the results of various moves. It's a good idea to enable the option that displays text as well as voice. Some of the monkey sounds are difficult to understand. As things progress fairly rapidly, liberal use of the space bar (pause key) can be helpful. When you think you have enough moves mapped to defeat JoJo go challenge him.

5. To get back to JoJo you must avoid the monkeys at the intersection. If they come near Guybrush the game will want to do Monkey Kombat instead of allowing passage into Monkey Town.

GIANT MONKEY ROBOT
1. After you defeat JoJo and get the hat, leave Monkey Town. Return to the map then go all the way back to the beach. Use the banana picker on the bananas until there are no more, about three times. Give one to Timmy so he will follow you.

2. Hike to the canyon and enter the mine. Make sure Timmy goes into the mine with Guybrush. You might have to bribe him with another banana. Go all the way to the end of the tracks to the big metal door.

3. Use the vent to open it. Use a banana with the vent. Guybrush throws a banana in the vent and Timmy goes after it. Close the vent then use a banana with the portal and Timmy will open the door.

4. Once in side the big tube, you can see a weed whipper. Use the banana picket to get it.

5. Leave the mine and go to the pool of lava in the lava field. Cross over the palm tree bridge and go down to the pool. Use the weed whipper on the patch of weeds. Lava is released into the mine. It flows into the big tube and powers up the machinery.

6. Cross the stone bridge over the half-empty lava pit and follow the trail east to the big monkey head.

7. Use the bronze hat with the monkey head. Guybrush will throw the hat on top of the monkey head.

8. Use the banana picker with the monkey nose to open the mouth. Go through the mouth and into the control room. It seems the monkey head is a gigantic robot.

9. Go to the left center of the central console and Guybrush should see a »prominent slot.« Use the Gubernatorial Symbol with the slot, the giant monkey robot is activated, Guybrush is joined by a couple companions, and they're off.



ACT III+
GUYBRUSH KICKS UNUSUALLY LARGE BUTT

MELEE ISLAND

1. Pick up the really big plank on the ground to the right of the smallest tower.

2. Use the really big plank with the shortest tower. Climb the tower then jump on really big plank.

3. When you get to the top of the tallest tower use the excessively large switch.

4. In the final contest between the giant LeChuck and the giant Monkey Robot, use the Monkey Kombat techniques you learned. You can't defeat LeChuck by winning, you must tie him three times in succession.

5. Happy gaming!



The list of the insults and their proper answers:

INSULT
RESPONSE
Today, by myself, twelve people I've beaten.
From the size of your gut, I'd guess they were eaten.
I've got muscles in places you've never even heard of.
It's too bad none of them are in your arms.
Give up now, or I'll crush you like a grape.
I would if it would stop your WINE-ing.
My ninety-eight-year-old grandmother has bigger arms than you.
Yeah, but we've both got better bladder control than you.

I'm going to put your arm in a sling.
Why, are you studying to be a Nurse?
My stupefying strength will shatter your ulna into a million pieces.
I'm surprised you can count that high.

Hey, look over there!
Yeah, yeah, I know: It's a three- Headed monkey.
Your knuckles I'll grind to a splintery paste.
I thought the bean dip had a strange taste.
Your arms are no bigger than fleas that I've met.
So that's why you're scratching. I'd go see a vet.
People consider my fists lethal weapons.
Sadly, your breath should be equally reckoned.
Only once have I met such a coward.
He must have taught you every thing you know.
You're the ugliest creature I've seen in my life.
I'm shocked that you never have gazed at your wife.
My forearms have been mistaken for tree trunks.
An over-the-counter defoliant could help with that problem.
I've out-wrestled Octopi with these arms.
I'm sure that spineless creatures everywhere are humbled by your might.
Do I see quivers of agony dance on your lip?
It's laugher that's caused by your feathery grip.



Here is a list of losing insults and answers:

LOSER INSULT
LOSER RESPONSE
You're a big poopy head!
Oh, yeah?
You suck!
NOT
Dummy!
I am rubber, you are glue...
You're not very nice!
I'm shakin'! I'm shakin'!
I don't want to play anymore.
Shyea! How appropriate. You fight like a cow.


Escape From Monkey Island Walkthrough © 2000 by Jim Blanchard
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